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My suggestion is to postpone searching until there can be a clear network of support. If you go read some of the many threads where adoptees (like Fatbirdy) are hurt because they can't even meet their sibs due to spouse's controlling the situation, you may get a beeter understanding of the feeling this evokes in them. That's a lot of emotional baggage to put onto someone in the early stages of reunion.
Wow Deb -- this is something that I had never thought of before - yet totally agree with. Do not search for your child unless you and your family are prepared to accept him/her into their lives. In my case, I searched for my bmom. But she led me on a wild goose chase. She kept telling me to hang on because she'll work it out. She would never say much about what her husband thinks other than he just needs some time to get used to the situation. Well two years later and a couple of blow out fights with my bmom -- the truth came out. I will never be accepted into her life. I will never be invited to a family holiday and she never wants me to meet her (my) extended family. I am the bastard she gave away. Leave it at that. Yup, some very hurtful things were said and I finally had to end it with my bmom. She never had any intention of letting me into her life. She strung me along on a wild goose chase so she could have it all. She wanted to talk to me and know all about my life but I was never allowed to be a part of hers. I told her time and time again that I refused to be her dirty, little secret and if she and her husband were not accepting of me then walking away from this relationship was the least that she could do. I needed all or nothing becasue I was not prepared to be constantly remined of what a second class child I was to her. It made me feel like a piece of $#*^. She knew this and didn't care - she only cared about herself. So much of this has to do with her husband controlling the situation - but I must say it's not all him - my bmom is a giant *%$#% and has screwed up enough on her own.
It's interesting how her husband controls the situation - he does it by barely saying anything. Bmom is afriad that he will leave her if she speaks up about me. Bmom doesn't work - and we all know, whoever controls the purse strings controls the relationship. Apparently my name never comes up in his presence - the kids know not to do this. In fact, when bmom told the kids about me (when I look back, a miracle really) bmom's husband went to bed and let her do it on her own. Wya to support her you jerk. Anyway, before you search for your child please work out the issues with your husband first. Being adopted stings enough......but it doesn't compare to being given up a second time. The first time - you can rationalize - my bmom was a baby herself, she had no education, mo money, no support etc........this second time that she has given me up - it's a whole different story. She just doesn't love me or care enough about me......yup, she said this to me too. Not worth it.
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