[HappygirlMagill]

I told my husband before we even began dating about the son I gave up for adoption. He gave me the impression that he thought I was very brave doing something so difficult and important.

When I first started going online back in 1997 I was just thrilled to find all the support of so many others like me. I even started my own online support group and reunion registry. I wasn't searching yet (my son's still a minor), but it was theraputic to correspond with, help, and be helped by other members of the adoption triad.

Unfortunately, at that time, my husband let me know that he disapproved of my searching for my son (even though I wasn't even searching!) He refused to discuss it other than letting me know that he disapproves, and doesn't want me to talk to him about any of it. Not my group, not my registry, none of it. He didn't like my working on my site or the group, but left that alone, provided I didn't say anything to him about it. I just assumed that perhaps he felt threatened by the role he hadn't realized my son plays in my life. My husband seems threatened by the mere mention of anything or anyone that preceded him in my life.

Over time, he didn't seem to mind as much my mentioning of group news or such. It became a bit more comfortable, less a source of contention.

Now, my son's approaching 18. Who knows if he'll look for me, but if he does, I'll welcome him with open arms and try not to smother him in my hugs. I haven't really mentioned to my husband much about the group in a while, but tonight at dinner I happened to mention some mundane group task I was in the middle of, and noticed him tense up again. Normally I would have dropped the subject if he seemed so uncomfortable, but, sitting there, I realized that if my son does decide to look for me, I'd better do my best to have this situation with my husband a little less volitile.

As gently as I could, I told my husband, "you know, my son's almost 18. He might decide to look for me. Maybe we ought to talk about this soon, rather than wait until the eve of a reunion."

Well, he didn't want to discuss it at all, other than telling me that if my son does look for me, he wants nothing to do with meeting him. He refused to tell me why, saying that I wouldn't be satisfied with his reasons anyway.

I feel that I should point out that we have three children. One is mine from a previous relationship, and two are his, from his previous relationship. We have full custody of his children after their mother was found unfit, and I am currently their fulltime step-mom. For a great deal of our relationship, my husband was cool and bitter toward my daughter, but that seems to be warming up finally, a little.

I'm just so upset that he would act this way toward my son, especially after all the struggle we've gone through with his children and my own. Why on earth would he object to so much as meeting my son? Can anyone tell me?