[FL_GirlByProxy]

I feel terrible for all of you who have hoped, searched, and hoped again, only to have found rejection. I can tell you one thing that may or may not help. I am a birthmom of my 19 year old son, closed adoption, not yet reunited. So this was 1984, and my mom didn't want me showing anyone pictures of my son, or talking about it, and I was not allowed to grieve or even recognize what was happening, or what had happened. Here's what I'm trying to say. In the 1950's right through at least the late 70's or early 80's, this is the way an unmarried girl/woman was often treated. She was taught to be ashamed of herself. She, in her vulnerable state, was told to put this behind her, to never mention it, to forget it ever happened.

To all of you here who have attempted to reunite and have hit a brick wall, please know that I don't believe it is remotely possible that you were ever forgotten. I think about my son every day. I have the "liberty" of telling my husband about it when we first met, and now my 2 younger children both know that they have a brother out there somewhere. I decided that there is no shame in my unplanned pregnancy, in my son. For these moms from the 1950's, 60's etc. though, I think this is so much more difficult. Please do not give up on them. They are in a much more difficult place than I ever was.

Deb wrote, (boy I've been quoting Deb all day):

"My thought is that letters are often the most effective way to communicate. Letters don't put the instant pressure on anyone to answer at the moment. Often feelings are so jumbled we need a little time to assimilate...letters lend that time.

For those searching, don't give up. For those rejected, I feel your disappointment, but remember that it has nothing to do with you as a person, but a bad, ugly set of archaic systematic beliefs."


She is so right in suggesting letters, I'm sure. It gives you a chance to put your thoughts, assurances and even appreciation and love down on paper. It will give your birthmoms a chance to reallly digest the feelings you are trying to come forward with.

On another thread, and I cant remember where, we were talking about patience, and I think this was in the context of birthmoms who were searching for their children. Here I see the same "virtue", and I've learned another lesson today, and it is so special because I have learned that adoptees also have to struggle with patience. I am not happy about this struggle for you. I want resolutions to be easy for you, because you did not make the decision to be adopted. Yet I find peace that many of you love all of the people in your life, even as you wrestle with bringing answers and peace to your life. I have you and all of your families in my prayers bigtime. Thank you for listening.
Peace,
LeeAnn