Hi, All!
One of my forum buddies mailed me and said she thought I might be able to offer something to this thread -- and while I don't know what exactly it might
be , I'll give it a whirl!
I was born and relinquished in 1964 -- deep in the heart of the "secrets and lies era" of closed adoption. My birthmom denied contact with me in January of 2003, thru my state appointed confidential intermediary. A few months later, I located her whereabouts, on my own, and was more than
shocked to discover that she (as well as my entire maternal birthfamily) had lived in the same county as myself, all my life. We are only ten miles apart.
I also discovered that I had gone to school with my birth cousin, and neither of us had a clue that we were in any way related, until I decided to make contact with her mother (my aunt). My aunt was a woman I had known, in the community and thru school, all my life.....and she was as shocked as I was to know our "connection", but felt that if she were to have contact with me, she would be betraying her sister.....
SO , she let my cousin in on the "big family secret", and while the relationship has been somewhat "hindered" by the "secrecy" factor within my birthfamily, she's shared invaluable information and old family photos with me, and she is at least
some "connection" to my birthfamily.
In November of last year, I did write to my birthmom -- against all sorts of "warnings" from my cousin and her mother. I felt that I needed to let her know who I was, and where I was....as I know she, like the rest of the family, had no
earthly idea that we have all lived in such close proximity all our lives. In the letter, I said to her everything I had ever wanted to say, because I knew it would be my only chance. I didn't write as if I expected a response, because I didn't. I knew she wouldn't. I just wanted her to know me.....and I feel I achieved that.
I truly feel for my birthmom. Her life hasn't been an easy one, and I understand her reasons for denying contact. Her life has been frought with trauma and drama, and inviting more of what could be the same, into her life, at this late stage, isn't something she can handle, emotionally. Her children (all in their 30's) have no idea that I was ever born......and by all accounts, they are somewhat "bitter" people. They feel they have endured more than most, and it would appear that discovering their older sister had been allowed to escape what they were made to stay and endure, would turn into yet another family drama that our mother just can't fathom.
I think one of the most major things that we, as "denied" adoptees need to focus on, in our hearts, is that our birthmoms are just real people -- people like us......people with family dynamics that we don't necessarily understand, because we aren't a part of it. They are people with joys and fears and flaws and strengths......they have a life history that we've never shared. It's hard to understand, sometimes, why our birthmothers make the decisions they do, where contact is concerned, but we have to put ourselves in the position of our birthmoms......
It's easy to think "well, my birthmom should put all her fears and her issues aside, and do what is best for her "child"," because.....well, that's what Mom's do, right? Moms are supposed to put their children first. But you know what? That's what my birthmom
did. She
is thinking of her children!! Her
children are Debbie, Calvin and Aaron -- my siblings....the children she raised. She
knows those children
inside and
out . She held them as they took their first breaths.....she fed them their first meal.....she took them home and she loved them, as only a mother can, thru croup and diaper rash and first steps and first words.....thru skinned knees and broken hearts....first days of school, first dates, graduations and births of their own children. She's spent 30+ years of everyday life with these "kids".......she knows what makes them tick.....she knows what "that look" means when she sees it in their eyes. They are, in every sense of the words,
her children . If anyone on earth knows the family dynamics within her brood, it would be our mother.
Yes, I am her child. She gave birth to me in the same exact way that she gave birth to my siblings, but that is where the everyday "connection" ends for us. I went on to have an entirely different life than she did.....and an entirely different life than my siblings.
Blood ties are what makes us
from the same family, but shared life experience is what makes
a family, and they don't
have those experiences with me. I am a complete stranger to my birthmom.......and she's been asked to put everything -- almost 40 years worth of shared life experiences -- on the line for something that is completely unknown to her. Her fears run deep. She's spent all the years of
my life trying to build a world for herself and her family -- and that world has never outwardly included me. To bring out of hiding a part of her that has been so deeply locked away, at age 61, is more than her emotional psyche can handle.
When my birthmom first denied contact, I tried to think of it in terms that I could relate to. According to her sister, my "resurfacing" was my birthmom's worst nightmare -- her biggest fear. Well,
my "biggest fear" happens to be snakes. I am
terrified of snakes......so I thought about how I would react if someone came to my door, out of the blue, and rang the bell. I open the door, and someone on the other side throws a basket filled with snakes on me. What would
my reaction be? I would throw my arms up, yell
"Noooooooooooo", and slam the door. It's a natural reaction when faced with something we fear. My birthmom fears the unknown....she fears disruption of a world she's lived in and held safe for 40 years. She is afraid of losing her children and her grandchildren over something she has kept from them for a lifetime. She's had a lot of loss in her life -- including the loss of her own mother when she was only five years old. At age 61, the thought of losing everything is just too much for her.
It's never been my intention to cause pain or to disrupt the world she has lived in all my life. I have always hoped my birthmom had children to share all the magic of childhood with.....I have always prayed that she had children to bring her flowers on Mother's Day to make her feel special.......and she's had that. She has seven grandchildren who continue to bring magic into her heart. I feel at peace with that.
It may
seem as if the birthmoms who deny contact "have all the power", but I don't see it that way. I feel that, for the first time in my entire life,
I have all the power. In one fell swoop, I could pull up in her driveway the next time she has the family over for a celebration, and in an instant, I could "out"
everything to my siblings, their spouses and their children. I could bring my birthmom to her knees and expose it all. In effect, I have the "power" to change the lives of 15+ people, in less than a minute. But that's not the kind of "power" I want. Instead, I choose the power of compassion and understanding. I choose the power of respect and the power of thankfulness. The power of those things is far greater than the power of putting my own wishes over the those of another.
I truly wouldn't want my birthmother's impression of me to be that of someone who is selfish....who blatently disrespects others and their wishes....who has no compassion or caring. I don't want my siblings first impressions of their older sister to be that of someone who has no regard whatsoever for the woman who loved and nurtured and raised them thru the toughest of times. When they find out about me (and they will, one day), I want them to know that I respected our mother enough to listen when she said, "no".
I, personally, feel that by respecting my birthmother's wishes, I am giving her the gift of knowing that she didn't give birth in vain. She created a life who has reverence for others....who has the ability to step outside their own "box" to have understanding and compassion and respect for others. Perhaps that is the greatest gift I can give....and if so, I give it with an open heart.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense....maybe it's just rambling.......but it's my two cents, for what it's worth!
Best wishes to you all!
Hugs,
Sally