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Reading through your posting I could feel your pain...I will say to you what I said to my niece when she set about to adopt children...she said she didn't feel comfortable adopting a child who didn't at least look like her or her husband a little...to that I said...then don't...they child already is starting out with the "adopted" cross to deal with shall we say and if you aren't comfortable lumping on the "I'm adopted and it's obvious because I don't look anything like the parents who are raising me"...on the kid then don't...two kids later, my niece has thanked me since...
If you want ONLY the child you set out to adopt then don't say you'll accept another...if it is causing you THAT much pain it must be for a reason...
My experience is quite different...I gave birth to two kids, five years apart...it was hard for me to get pregnant but I did eventually and each time I had to have c-sections...for those reason and because I always had it in me to want to adopt children I actively campaigned to do that...after reading Claudia Jewett's "Adopting the Older Child" book I set about my course...two years to complete a homestudy and be called about a little girl almost five who might be a good match...we only knew her name...no pic...we said okay...went to meet her and the next week took her home...six months later we legally adopted her...we were open to an older child and mixed race...our daughter was five and of mixed race...we were comfortable with that...
BUT I advise everyone going into adoption to NOT be afraid to go into it with specific ideas of what you can comfortably handle/live with...it is too complicated no matter how you slice it to not be comfortable...love isn't always enough...believe me...
fast forward twenty years...the last three years my daughter has lived in the neighborhood she would have lived in if not removed by the state and put in foster care and then adopted...SO...no matter what we want or decide to have decided for us...later on the grown up child will choose what THEY want...it has been difficult but I wouldn't change the early decision or procedure if I could...I love her and enjoyed raising her...I have been going through a tough time missing her and feeling insecure about her need or desire to live where she is living now but like I said...it is complicated no matter how you slice it...and love isn't always enough
Good luck to you...reach out to others for input but go with your gut...I think you and your husband already know the answer...HUGS...
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