[jscarol]

My husband and I are very new to this. We have taken in a child, recently aged out of the system and on independent living.

M has been in the system for many years, taken away from b-mother at age 5?, adopted by foster mother and then abused by her. He has DJJ record, abandoned by adoptive mother and then placed in a shelter until he turned 18. He is a great young man who we care about very much.

Since moving in with us 3 months age, I have seen a different side of him. I guess the best way to describe him is "Eddie Haskel" from Leave it to Beaver. He has his teachers at school feeling so sorry for him that he does not have to work hard to get the grade. His boss at his job lets him report that he has worked when he has not. I believe he is very in tune with the system and how to manipulate it.

Problem is, I would like to address issues with him as they come up (although this is not always comfortable). I believe that he should follow the same rules and consequences as our other children.

My husband feels that we need to handle him with kid gloves.
He has been through a lot in his life and we need to reassure him that he will not be rejected. He feels that we cannot treat him the same as our daughters because his situation is not the same as theirs. They know they are loved unconditionally and M does not yet know this.

It has become very frustrating to live like this. Our daughters have been coming to me to express that things are not fair. I sometimes feel like I want to explode because he continues to break house rules and considers himself an equal with my husband and I as far as house priveledges and has taken over our computer, telephone and tv's. He has lied to me repeatedly.

I believe that bad behavoir is bad behavoir no matter what your past and it should be addressed. In the "real world" he will not be handled with kid gloves because of his emotional scars. I also feel that if he is to be part of our family, he needs to enjoy the same consequences and benefits as the rest of us.

We need some help. Can any of you experienced foster parents tell me the right way to handle this young man? My husband and I are on different planes with this. That in itself makes this situation difficult for all in this house.

HELP!!