Some of you know our story....
My husband and I have happily seriously considered adoption for over 16 months now and while we had confusion at first as to where to go or what to do, we quickly were brought to a wonderful situation to adopt a beautiful baby newborn girl in another country....
We have close friends who live 2 doors away from us that have family in this other country and they knew we wanted to adopt and they knew of a young girl that was pregnant and could not parent and this young girl was very happy hearing about us and knowing we were good friends of this family in her country....
We were ecstatic to learn that in a mere 24 hours we were parents as she chose us to raise her baby here in America alongside her friends family that lives here too with her children!!!! It was one of the best days of our lives!!!! All of our children would grow up together, children of the same culture and heritage and be like family!!!! The birthmother was so happy and grateful to, as she shared with my friend that she felt her only option was to just leave her baby at the hospital for she had no money to pay the hospital bill or raise her baby....she in essence was feeling her only choice was to abandon her newborn daughter....my heart breaks thinking of the sadness this must have caused her to think this...so very sad...
We quickly hired counsel in that country and here in the U.S. as well who all assured us this could legally happen and we could go pick up our baby girl in 3 weeks!!!! We were overjoyed and a wreck running around trying to get passports, fix a nursery, fly to another country, etc. in just 3 weeks.....
Well, fast forward and 14 MONTHS later we are still here, home in the U.S. still without our baby daughter, and after 3 sets of attorneys, 3 socials workers, two homestudies, two adoption agencies and 24 hour care being paid for by us to a nanny/family friend who is taking care of our baby in the other country, it has been over $35,000 spent coupled with a few near nervous breakdowns along the way worried sick over our baby who is quickly growing up without us....
We are grateful that now we finally have the proper information and an agency that is willing to represent us, although they are not able to guarantee anything.....
My question and my help needed from all of you is, we are now finally finishing our dossier and have been instructed to write a motivation to adopt/letter of intent to this other country/this other government trying to explain to them why we feel WE should be chosen to legally adopt this child.....now, we've learned the proper way to request to adopt this pre-identified child adoption-which before we thought was a done deal guaranteed-unfortunately, this country does not encourage and rarely approves these kinds of pre-identified child adoptions and we now know the magnitude of what this ONE LETTER that we have to write, our one and only chance--we know the gravity of what it means and what it's outcome holds....
How do you portray in a single letter all of your love, all of your devotion, all of your capabilities, and try with all your heart and all your might to portray to this country that this child that you've loved for 14 months belongs with you?????? All they will have in front of them is a piece of paper trying to show them who our family is and how much love we feel for our daughter....can that even be expressed, who we are as caring, loving, good people in one letter???? Is that even enough to make such an important decision from????
Sure they'll have our homestudy and our autobiographies, pictures, little B's Lifebook, etc, but, just one letter from us before deciding on this child's future and ours going to complete strangers that don't know us.....
I've known about having to write this letter for a while now, but have hesitated to write it for I know my heart has to be in the right place and my mind needs to be free of pain and stress and honestly portray to them why we feel it is in the best interest of this child to be united with us. I have not felt emotionally ready to properly write this letter for fear of leaving out something very critical or important, as we only have one chance on paper to show them who we are as people, as good hopeful parents.....
There is tremendous pressure knowing that this will probably be the most important letter that I will write during my entire life....
How does one prepare for that responsibility?
I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders--this childs future hangs in the balance because of my written words, my husbands and I's life will either be shattered or completely overwhelmed by joy, all depending upon my written words....
We've been instructed by our adoption agency to write in our letter that if we are not chosen for this particular child, (our precious daughter that we have loved unconditionally for 14 months now and have bonded and attached to tremendously in our hearts even though our arms have yet to hold her), we've been instructed to write that if she is not granted to US and is granted to someone else instead, that we would be willing to accept another child.....
My heart cannot even conceive writing those words....I feel there's no way that we could fly over to that country and not pick up our daughter or even not be able to see her and then know that she's gone somewhere else, where no one knows....
I feel there's no way that I could fly over there and bring home another child in her place....we would be devastated if they were to tell us we could NOT adopt her, but here, here's another child you can have instead....
My husband and I discussed this last year and again, just discussed it the other night--actually it wasn't even a long discussion at all....I shared with him what the agency said to put in our letter about accepting another baby and he quietly said "I don't know any other baby....." his way of telling me no--meaning that she's his daughter and his heart does not know of another child right now that could be his child....it would honestly feel like a death of a child to us and to our entire families....
My question is, what would you do???? It just kinda dawned on me that I feel like if we were actually even able to write those words, that we would accept another child, that shows that we are not bonded to our child, that any other child would be fine, when we know that isn't the case....it wouldn't be fair to this next child if we were to accept another child right now....
My husband and I have told our agency that we would have to walk away from that country's program and unfortunately, not be able to accept another referral for we felt that we would not be able to give this new child all of the love and attention and affection and guidance that this new child so deserves....plus, I can see it now....if we were to bring home another child, all we would hear is, "Oh is this little B....?" Only to have to tell everyone no (even the people at Walmart--they have her picture up in the photo department!) and also more importantly that would be subjecting the child to things that I would not want them to have to hear or see....too much pressure for that child to try to fill the shoes of our other child....
You know, one thing that did come to my mind was, after this is done and over with my husband and I will have no more money left ever for adoption and that still doesn't dissuade our decision to plead just for her and only her.....
We will consider fostering and foster to adopt and are looking forward to helping children who need a home here in our area quite possibly, but, am I really, really, really doing the right thing by not accepting another child from that country that also needs a home??????
My heart is breaking and I'm so torn now and I don't know what to do....I'm a christian and I say that I will follow God's will for my life and little B's life, but, if I'm purposely closing a door by not accepting another child from that country, am I in essence, stopping God from doing His will with our lives and the children He wants in our lives by purposely not accepting the other referral????? even if I'm closing the door because I feel this new child would deserve better than what I would be capable of providing them with????? If it was his will for us to accept another child, wouldn't He give me peace about that--thus enabling me to parent this new child????
I also even feel guilty for feeling like this, I feel guilty that I am even waivering in my emotions that I would even consider for a second that God who we feel orchestrated this, won't follow through on what we feel He led us to do....
What's the right thing to do??? What's the right way to feel????
We have always believed that God led us to little B and that it is His will that she be raised by us so we can provide her with the knowledge and hope that God has a special plan for her life and we will honor that no matter what that entails....
But, if I'm willing to lay all this down and to let God's will be done am I allowing that and showing my true submission if I'm trying to orchestrate what I will take or not take--Who I will adopt or who I feel I can't adopt because of our grief????
What would you write in your letter to this other country???? Please help me...I'm looking for answers from everyone, adoptive moms, birthmoms, adoptees....I need all perspectives and prayers, PLEASE, as I need to write this letter in a week or two!!!
Thank you all so very much. Blessings,
Melody
