|
first off, i'm so sorry your reunion isn't going well...good reunions are hard enough emotionally to handle....but bad reunions can just be exhausting!!
i can understand where you are at, i am adoptee in reunion with my bdad for nearly a year. and while it seems my situation is a lot more positive than yours, we have had some serious bouts and trials throughout this past year....
like you, all of a sudden all my little crazy quirks came back. i guess not quirks, but issues, or ways of behavior i thought i had conquered in my early twenties. and all i can chalk it up to is that it is such a highly emotional time. and i was/am feeling so completely vulnerable, that it all just came flooding back.
but it made me feel so crazy. because here i was, a perfectly adjusted adult, had even started a search because i figured i was at such a great place in my life i was finally ready for it....then go figure, total backpedal.
so my advice to that...what i've needed to do. is really step away from that and just remind myself of who i was before all this, how proud i was that i had conquered these demons...just remind yourself that you beat these issues before...surround yourself with people who validate you...and know that you aren't alone, or crazy, or regressing...alot of adoptees go through the same thing.
and as for closing the door, she doesn't need to understand it, she just has to respect it. people make choices all the time that we may or may not understand...but we just have to respect that they are making the best choice for them... if you aren't strong enough right now to cope with this, step away....its one thing to kind of have bouts of old issues coming back, and be able to recognize it and stop the self loathing...but if its so much that you really spiral down...step back and protect yourself.
like you, i was so determined to not have expectations that it confused everything. it stopped me from making boundaries. which is so necessary in reunion. we have to tell each other what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. and frankly, i was simply lying to myself. of course i had expectations. i have expectations of everyone in my life, its the only way to have healthy relationships. so why excuse my father? or your mother? for fear of rejection? egad, its in vulnerable or rocky relationships that we most need expectations and boundaries. its the only way to save ourselves from falling into destructive patterns.
i don't know if this is at all helpful. but please know you aren't alone. take care and just do what's best for you!! noone needs to understand it except you...
take care, m26
|