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Even although you've had your daughter for years, remember the past she came from. We are in the process of adopting our 2 sons from fostercare.
With both of them loss of privildges and things as a form of discipline really hurts them. One son lost his f/a mother because she broke the ASFA law, the other son was neglected for the first 2.5yrs of his life. They are both very young at 3yrs and 4yrs old. But still remember their losses. Taking things away from them doesn't work as discipline. Instead we use positive forms of discipline like letting them earn things with good behavior.
This has worked very well for the boys. They have both had enough loss in their lives and taking away more things just gives them the message that we don't care for them, or don't love them. When reality we love them both so much.
You may want to read an oldershild adoption book and books on positive discipline. Try not to set your daughter up to fail, my husband is working on this with our sons. It's easier said than done.
For your daughter the bond between her and her bio-sister doesn't seem to be a healthy one. If you are able to speak to the bio-sister I would explain to her what's happening with your daughter. Your DD is probably feeling a divided loyalty betweeen the two of you. She may have a lot of concerns that she's not expressing. You may want to put their relationship on hold, or change it to phone contact supervised by you.
It really sounds like a difficult situation with the older sister who has also lost her parents. So she doesn't want to loose her little sister too. I think being 19yrs old and just gaining her independance and not really wanting to be without her little sister may be putting a lot of stress on your DD.
Hope this helps,
LeenaB
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