[Volfe]

I'm going to go see our baby now - finally!! -- but I decided to write a letter to the amom because I've hurt to badly this past month. I feel like I've had to beg for visits. She rarely calls me back, and I get no uninitiated contact.

I was posting it with the original intent of getting come input good or bad before it gets to her.

I'm including with it a copy of Brenda Romanachik (sp?)'s recent post of how open adoption benefits the members of the triad. and Also a quick resource guide for open adoption (more benefits).

To M

I’ve been having a lot of trouble – emotionally – with the lack of contact and communication. Frankly, I can’t verbalize the way I feel to you (or to anyone, really) because it just makes me cry. Heck, thinking about it and writing it down is hard. I mean, everyday I cry about it. And I don’t find that fair.

I realize we are both busy but maintaining contact with Gracie is important to me and to the girls. In time, it will be important to Gracie as well. We are supposed to have an open adoption and that involves a lot. I know it’s hard. I told you it was hard before when we first discussed it. And I knew there’d be pain, I told you that too. I’m very was very honest about it all. I also had said that I’d need to see her frequently in the first two years. This wasn’t a control technique or whatever. It’s just that it makes me feel better. It helps me to heal and be happy with the decision that I made. Little things make me happy in this arrangement. A phone call once in awhile. Pictures. Any contact initiated by you.

M I’d like to ask that we increase contact in a way that works for you. I’ve had countless discussions with people because I’ve hurt so badly. I called my son’s adoptive mother and talked to her for hours (well, about her and her family too, of course). I don’t talk to her much but she has always had such good answers for me. She is just great. She said that perhaps you were scared. I know you’ve told me that you were scared that I’d contest the adoption. But realize that although we knew each other for such a short time before the birth, I had an adoption plan that I had thought out for months and months. I wanted an open adoption where we could visit and get information and pictures. Why do you think I grilled you and K for so long about open adoption? Certainly not to torment you, but instead, because it is such a big step, a life commitment to a way of life many people have not ever heard of (that is, maintaining a relationship with the birthfamily).

I don’t know how to sate your fears about that. I tried to tell you that once I had involved you as deeply as having you take her home from the hospital, that the decision was final… hard but final.

Do you want to know what my fear is? I fear that we will never see her again. I am sick with that fear. Everyday I think about it. That is why I’d like to ask that we set down some dates in stone for visits this summer. Knowing when we get to see her again gives me peace of mind. It also makes the girls happy knowing they will see their sister and when. Really, I’d like the girls to be able to see her as much as possible. So perhaps we can make some arrangements for them. Like I’d said before the birth. They are her sisters and didn’t give up their rights to her. She will always have sisters. She’s a lucky girl for that. I mean, can you imagine growing up without your sister, whom you love?

Is it possible that you, your husband, your mom, your sister, the nanny, anyone involved in her life could take a few minutes each week to write down tidbits about her life and send them to us? Do you know what a joy that would be for us? You know, stuff like, she’s gotten her first tooth, she’s crawling, she’s walking, what she likes, what food she loves, your favorite moment, funny things she’s done. Silly stuff she does. The list goes on.
Just write down stuff on a piece of paper and mail it to us (some pictures would be good too, did you get that digital camera yet?).

M, I’d like you and I to just be friends. With no fears between us. And perhaps we should meet without the children to kind of discuss it. To just talk and get everything out in the open and feel better about everything. Assumptions are killers and I know they are eating me up. I also realize that basing my fears on assumptions is silly until I know the reality of the situation. That doesn’t stop me from doing it though. Arg. I just want to feel better.

Open adoption really is great for everyone involved. It especially benefits the child – in our case – children. Believe me, but I enjoy going to see you with her. You are her mom. I know, because I chose you. I enjoy hearing about her from Marsha. I’d like to see her with her grandparents too. I’m not certain they’d like to meet me, but I’d like to meet them (besides that time at the hospital).

Am I the only you know that’s experienced open adoption before? I haven’t met anyone around this area who has. It’s such a good thing. I will always be available to answer questions for Gracie and so that she knows her birthfamily loves her too. I must say that I don’t feel I’m the best birthmother. I feel guilty about not having more contact with my son. I talked to him for a long time too this past weekend. First he and Ari talked (he called her) then she gave me the phone. He’s 12 now and into computers so we actually talked about that (computer stuff most people don’t know). He plays different games on the computer but that was something else we were able to discuss at length. It’s pretty neat.

I needed to write this letter to feel better and to let you know how I feel without getting overly emotional (crying – I hate to cry). I hope you will read it and be able to respond to me. Whether you write or call I hope I have not put you off or whatever. I figure it is better to tell you how I feel, ask you how you feel, then to have both of us guessing.


Thanks for reading such a long letter,


Me