Wow,
I read all the posts...I think you are talking about my kids...
We have seven adopted children, one at 13 months the others were from age 3.5 to age 10.5.
I have asked that question of many social workers, counselors and clergy...Will they EVER develop a conscience?
Some did, some did not...But all are much better people than they were and only two chose to live the life style of the biological parents...
I assure you it did not happen overnight...nor in a few weeks, nor in a few months...it took years. My philosphy is this...If we don't do it ...who will...
I understand the worry of finances but the child's need is where my heart is...My family, my friends told me to give them back...The two children who acted out the have turned out to be the best adults...
Yes they did counseling...6.5 years of it...we got nowhere...I turned to my pastor...in less than two years of counseling with our pastor...immersing them in church programs...we had totally different kids...our own lives were changed for the better as well.
I know the horrible feeling of hearing, "I am going to chop you up."...That kid who is the best and most affectionate now is the one who used to wake me up holding a knife over me.
This kid was 5.5 when he arrived with a sibling of 7.5 years of age. His Dx was sociopath...for the life of me I cannot figure out how a baby of 5 years old can be a sociopath...
I kept him in "mommy jail" that is...he could not ever be out of my sight...he was a danger to other children, animals...His school was VERY glad we decided to home school him.
Today, he is in the army awaiting transport to Iraq., graduated from high school and a PT college program...and an advocate of human rights
I overheard him telling the youngest two kids, before he left for the army, "Don't be giving mom a hard time, she's the closest thing to a saint you're ever going to meet." This from the boy who wanted to be my murderer
Yes, I am proud of what we have done, but as I used to tell my SW...for every little effort we make, the kids have to make ten times that amount.
They came to us with no clue of what is right and what is wrong. They must have felt terrible about themselves... but they certainly were not going to trust any adult trying to teach them...every step forward had to be painful for them...Many of the things they were comfortable doing simply were not acceptable in society. In fact many of those things were illegal.
Some things they were used to doing or seeing were given acceptable names to hide the illegal affair. For example one day I said I wanted to make some french bread. I told the sibling, of the child I was just speaking of, to get out the flour, yeast, etc. and we proceeded to make the dough... She is a really smart kid...all A's from K through college....she looked at me like I had lost my last brain. She said, "That's not how my mother and my Aunt make French bread."
Stupid me, I thought well maybe they braid the bread or whatever differently...wanting to make them feel at home with the comfort of a little of their old life incorporated into their new life, I dumbly asked her to show me how they do it. Her explanation of making french bread included a mirror, "flour", a razor blade and a needle.... made her read a dozen or more cookbooks...on breadmaking and got a professional from the DARE program to explain her bio mom's recipe.
My point is they're kids and they just don't know what's wrong and what is right...all kids are born with 0 intelligence...we have to put it there ...by ourselves or by providing the education resources necessary...With our kind of kids it takes a heck of a lot more work...but it can be done.
Your post shows you have the care and the determination to get the job done...and mind you, I did not say it was going to be easy....but it certainly was worth it to see them as adults now.
My social worker (adoption worker) said they have the power to give up to Level IV services without even checking with a supervisor...they did this for one child for me...all I asked for, actually.
We did our adoptions in CA...and it's a standard clause in all our finalization papers that whatever services we may need in the future would be provided for...All of our adoptions were through fost/adopt county programs...we only used a private lawyer, once, to protect the child.
Furthermore to the credit of the social services in our county, Merced, our adoption workers were there for us whenever we needed anything from just somebody to lend a shoulder to helping us find appropriate services.
Some of the kids workers (most from other counties) would periodlically write or call to ask if there was anything "their" kid needed...LONG after the adoptions were finalized.
I think the suggestion you go to the worker's supervisor is a good one...since, ultimately, the program is really a federal one, I cannot understand why the rules elsewhere would be that much different. AND, it's a possiblity that worker may not be adeqautely informed. There is also an appeals board at every agency if it takes that.
Good luck and remember the ball is in YOUR court because they don't want our kids back
Deedy