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How difficult...
Amy:
This sounds like such a hard situation for you, and for Destiny. My situation was nowhere near as difficult, but maybe still would be helpful.
My husband is step father to my two daughters from my first marriage. Their father was not at abusive, or into drugs. He just didn't care much. He hated responsibility, hated having to be where he said he'd be, look after them on his once in 14 days visitation, etc. We separated/divorced when they were really little (2 and 4). My girls ADORE their father. I kinda "get it" in their case, because he is very charming and fun to be with, and in his own way, does love his girls. He just has so many issues.
I had to be really careful when they were growing up never to criticize him to them. It was hard when they asked why we got a divorce, and were pretty darn accusing to me about it, to not vent about how he gambled away our mortgage money, never helped at home, blah, blah, blah. But I had to walk a fine line between not criticizing their dad (who after all is part of them!), and being untruthful. As they got older I told them bits more, but still left it for them to pretty much fill in the blanks and draw their own conclusions. I also went out of my way to make it easy for him - to do all the driving, to not demand things he couldn't live up to. Not for him, but for them. Never thought they saw it, but, they did.....
For a long time, I think they felt more sorry for him than anything else. They felt like he had a rough time, and we had so much, particularly after I remarried. So, they kinda had to defend him, and be loyal to him, because he was alone, if that makes sense?
Also, my hubbie's relationship with them was a little strained. After all - he got to play the role of "responsible one", the "bad guy" who said no, who set boundaries, whereas their dad was the good guy they played with, and organized his day with them around what they wanted to do. I used to feel they really didn't see whose love could be most depended on, if that makes sense.
Now they're 17 and 15. They get it. They know. They still love their dad, but realistically. They're growing up. It's not perfect yet - (teenage daughters are a joy and a pain!), but a lot of my fears and sense they wouldn't understand it, were groundless.
I wish you all the best! Destiny is lucky to have you in her life,
Cheryl
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