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It is not the same as say, your parents actually dying when you are a few days old- say in a car crash or something. Because when you are adopted you grow up knowing it was not that your parents could not be there- it was that they chose not to.
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marygrace --
I'm so sorry that you grew up feeling that way. There really is a much greater likelihood that your bmother felt she had no choice, that she wanted a good life for you, one she couldn't give you. It's true I made the "choice," but I grieved for my son as if he had died, because he was "dead" to me -- gone from my life with no hope of ever seeing him again. I felt tremendous guilt for having gotten pregnant when I couldn't parent, and adoption honestly looked to me like the most responsible choice for his welfare.
That was in 1969. Thirty years later the world was a different place and I was able to search and find him. The day he called me was one of the happiest days of my life, on a par with the day my daughter was born. But it was a chance series of events that led me to actively search. I might just as easily have remained hopeless and passive where he was concerned.
I understand now that all adoptees suffer an emotional loss. But a child may still be better off with adoptive parents than they would have been with their birthparent(s). Your bmother almost certainly believed that you would be. I hope someday you can forgive her and find some peace with your adoption. If meeting her would help you do that, I hope you find each other in reunion.
((Hugs))
Mary Jane