[aMarylandfamily]

It seems like you are re-telling our story and if hindsight were 20/20 we would have held off from finalization and are recommending you do that too ... you are not hurting anyone by doing so ... other than the statistics the state would like to meet.

While different in many ways, it felt like you were summarizing our story. Our placement at age 12 was presented to us as an emotionally disturbed child by environment with ADHD which was being treated with medication. Realistically as we learned two years later his diagnosis is "onset childhood bi-polar" and possible dissociative disorder. RAD was never officially placed in his Axis IV but probably should be! He was and would be today a good placement initially until you learn the extent of his needs and services required ... even when reading his file as his good times are really good! And yes - it will never be understood why a finalized child is eligible for less services than a foster care child! Most placements come with Medicaid and although tricky in locating reliable medical services that take same they do ... if your children are Title IV eligible that expands the Medicaid coverages even further. Any adoption agreement can be modified to include Medicaid with residential services accommodations or account for financial assistance for same even though they'll tell you they don't!

If you finalize on these children it may, as in our case, become necessary to transfer care and custody back to the state to attain the necessary services (Medicaid covered all of residential but only a portion of foster care if in our custody) especially if the child were to become a danger to himself or a danger to others (one is already a danger to others by predatating on a sibling)and child support is required (they often try and match the amount to the subsidy awarded to avoid any further hardship on the family when possible). While we had many misgivings prior to doing so we now have no regrets as the violence escalates and it would have been directed fatally at another child in the home or myself.

This doesn't mean you have to disrupt ... it just means that alot of facts and details need to be resolved before you finalize - and don't let anyone bully you into it. If for some reason, the state feels it easier to move the child that will be a sign that their support won't be there at all through times of crisis especially if the child turns this into a fiasco of accusing you of abusing him and believe me they all do that too and you need to know who to turn to and that they will be there. Maryland has been wonderful ... wishing too things could be different but there and if your state reps/sw's are not, proceed with even more caution. Losing the child to residential or even another placement (our child will probably never return home) is painful but not as painful as an act of violence after the fact that can't be taken back.

Sorry this is so wordy ... go with your gut feelings and know there are those of us here who are in or have been in your shoes and we can help ... advice is wonderful especially when given lots of it to equip yourself with knowledge to use whatever you need whenever!


Since you are not getting the therapeutic support you so need I will tell you that a child exhibiting behaviors you report may not vent anger or violence he is spewing but will be a scary candidate for violence towards himself.