Gosh, you sound like me!
I denied there was anything wrong until recently and after 2 failed marriages. I sought professional help and after two years of therapy, I am doing so much better. It has not been easy. It requires a lot of facing ones own demons and slaying them. I still have hills to climb.
For me it was deep seeded rejection issues. I would sabotage my relationships so they would end. Feeling sure if I let them go on, I would be left and hurting. Sad part is, I hurt regardless. I believe this is how I subconciously delt with the deep down pain of being adopted. I felt this all my childhood and well into adulthood. I now know that my Bmom did the best possible for me and that her giving me up for adoption, was selfless. If I were to continue to sabotage relationships I am in, I would be in effect, hurting myself more, in the process.
Depression is not good. Have you seen anyone about this? I let my depression get so deep, that it effected my life and relationships profoundly. It can't hurt to get a professional opinion and very likely it will help a great deal.
Yes there is hope, Relationships are hard work and I can say from experience that when I was not right with myself I did not have all I needed to do the work to keep my relationships healthy. I have married someone who totally understands and who does not let me get away with pushing him away or setting up explosieves to shatter our relationship. Good luck!
Foxglove
