Gatey-
I saw your post from last year & wanted to comment. It was exactly how I've been feeling about my 2 kids. My husband & I were placed with 2 kids, ages 4 & 6 last July. It's been from very bad to worse to just okay! Everytime it starts to get a little better, one has to stir things up again! The 4 yr old has told us & others that he wants to chop them up, slit their throats, cut off our cats heads, etc. He is also an ADHD child with reactive attachment disorder. The 6 yr old has tried to run away, climb out the windows, beat the walls & door with a curtain rod, etc. He has attachment disorder & is sexually reactive! So, we've had our challenges from day one!!!
The reason I post is the same reason you did. I keep wondering why am I doing this? When will I feel like their mom? When will I love them like a mom should? And can I? It's VERY hard moving through the day to day!!! Families don't understand & friends don't either. IF you get one that does, you're lucky (we have 2).
My suggestion for you is the same as what we are doing!! Focus HARD on what the system can provide for your child. Keep in constant contact with therapists & caseworkers. It sounds like your daughter may have attachment issues in which traditional therapies & discipline do NOT work!!! If this is the case, you have to see a specialist to help move forward at all. See advice in couselors & keep looking & pushing until you feel they really understand what you are telling them.
Check out Reactive Attachment Disorder!
http://www.radkid.org/signs_and_symptoms.html
Good luck!!!