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Initially, we gave our daughter no control. According to all the books we had read, we as her parents were supposed to control EVERYTHING.
Well, that lasted a short time.... As a result, we had rages daily (several a day). We found that if we gave her some control, the rages decreased. We now give her two choices and she then chooses (of course she can instantly tell which of the two we like the least and she chooses that one). She also initially would choose a third option, which wasn't offered. But we found that she would easily concede to one of the two.
With my two older biological children, I wasn't nearly as strict or controlling. It was definltely trial and error (with error being the key word here). If I knew then what I know now, things would be very different, but of course hindsight is always 20/20. I think with "normal" kids (and I use that phrase tentatively with any of my kids), if you make a mistake they bounce back. Its not as critical. On the other hand, if I let up on my RAD daughter, she zeros in on it and it takes forever to make up the lost ground.
I have learned a lot in the last 10 months my daughter has been with us. At first, she was a "stranger". She didn't fit the mold of my other kids and I felt like I was just flapping in the wind. So, I went totally by the book. As time went on, and we got to know each other, we relaxed. I learned to trust my instincts more. Now, if the book says do it one way, but I know another way works for us, I trust myself. In the same way, if someone tells me that what I am doing is wrong, but it works for us, I trust my gut. And we are making progress.
I definitely still read (mostly here, because I really get a lot of support from hearing from others in the same boat), and I really take to heart what I read. But I also know that only I live with my daughter and I know her best.
I'm not sure if that answers your question. If not, let me know and I'll try to do a better job.
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