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Hi
I am am birthmother and I hope you do not mind my input.
I gave my son for adoption 21 years ago, I got to choose the parents out of a set of 3 and by their description I thought that they sounded the best people for my son who would bring him up in way that he would be comfortable about his adoption and have many opportunities in life to be happy, secure and successful in whichever direction he chose in his life.
I also hoped by that description that they would support any needs that he had in many things as well as a possible need to make contact with me.
I can understand the threat that some aparents feel. Some must be worried about their children being hurt or rejected or finding soemthing unpleasant. Others may have a deep seated feeling of threat that they were not the first parents of their children and they do not want to share.
The way I see it is that I had to give my son for adoption because the alternatives were not good for him. I did not want to but I did it despite my own feelings.
I have spent the last 21 years never knowing if he is alive and well or what became of him. I love him - I always will and I will always worry about him and wonder. I also wonder sometimes if he needs to know and perhaps is afraid to hurt his parents who may not be as open or comfortable about it as I assumed they would be - for all I know.
I know I cannot ever come in between what they have shared as a family for all these years and nor would I want to. My chance to share these years was sadly,gone long ago. I gave my son to his adoptive parents to have a better, good and happy life and I would never try to nor want to undo it. What would be the point of that?
Perhaps you could put it to your mother in a way that she understands? Like how would she feel if she did not know her biological parents and felt the need to find out everything and someone was being unsupportive about it? That nothing and no one could change the relationship or the years that you have, will have and have had. Perhaps even try to ask how she would feel if she had found herself in a postition where she had to give you away and never knew what became of you and someone was stopping you from making contact to let her know you were OK and asking some questions that you needed answers to?
I hope to at least to hear one day if my son is ok and happy and to hear about his life. I cannot guarantee that it will happen I can only hope. Most of all I hope that whatever my son needs to do in life that he has the support to do it from his family. My son will like and love many other people who touch his life as his world grows bigger as he gets older - I truly cannot see why making contact with someone who truly loves. cares and has only ever wanted the best for him and that he discoveres the things he needs to discover can be of any great harm to him or his family.
Have you thought of mediation counseling? Where someone can help you and your mother to come together on this subject?
I think when searching it is wise to have some counseling anyway so that you are prepared for all eventualities as much as possible.
I wish you luck with your quest, I hope that you can persuade your mother to see your needs as more important than her own worries and that you get the support you deserve. I hope that you find what you seek.
all the best to you
R
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