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Snickerdoodle
If you have not bonded with your daughter in 3 years, the fault is not with the bio mother. You are not allowing yourself to bond. You need to get counseling to deal with this.
From your post, you sound as if you went through with surrogacy to keep your husband from leaving you. That is not a reason to have a child. It is emotional blackmail.
Before you adopt this second child, please seek counseling with your husband. Adopting couples need to be on the same page about open or closed adoptions. If your husband is changing the rules in the middle of the second adoption, you need to get some help making sure that you can deal with whatever is promised.
You cannot make this all right by yourself. You need to get help in dealing with your first child's birthmother and in dealing with your own feelings about not having biological children. Your daughter does not need to believe that it was your egg, she needs to know the truth.
I have an open adoption with my son's birthmother. We see her at least once a month, she was here for his first solid food, his first Easter egg hunt, and saw him roll over back to front before I did. Does it make me less of a mother? No. It gives me great pleasure to share his firsts with the woman that gave birth to him. A child is more than capable of loving multiple people. If he can love a mother AND a father, why can't he find a place in his heart to love a birthmother and a birthfather as well? The sight of her holding him when he has fallen asleep after a bottle warms my heart. Does it take anything away from me? No, I do this several times a day.
Is everyone cut out for open adoption? No. If you are not sure that you can handle it, don't do it. Don't make any promises that you can't keep. It sounds as if you would not be able to keep this second adoption open. Don't agree to it. Don't do it. It will destroy the family you are trying to build. Please be honest with your husband about how much this is hurting you.
Peggy
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