[HappyMomAnna]

As an adoptive mother I can understand how hard it really is to NOT be the only mommy in our childrens lives. Our daughter came to us after four years with the only mother she ever had and now I have to be sensitive to what this all really means to her.....I am not the birthmother I never will be. But, I can tell my daughter that I know her birthmother LOVED her very much---I can tell because my daughter has a heart that is big enough to love her birthmother and her growing up forever mother too.

There might not be laws that force you to have contact or an open adoption .... but to me a promise was made to someone who even if it was all about the money--created a life that grew inside of her.....she would be an empty cold and greedy woman if she did not have some kind of feelings about the life she grew in her---to give to you to raise.

I think that you will find there are plenty of us adotive moms dealing with the whole other mother issue....and the only person who really matters is the child.....You start this post by saying you want to do what is best for your child? But in your words it does not ever seem you even mention how having extra people love your child is in any way harming her? I think our children deserve as much love form as many people as we can every allow to love them...... and after three years if your little girl has not attached to you--and does not see you as her mommy then a life time of problems may be ahead--by this time your daughter should have a fully secure and loving realtionship with you.

To me the problems you are so deeply in agony over are not really about the birthmother at all...... Was this baby concieved in a labrotory under doctor supervision--or was this something your husband did the old way?

To me the problems that you are having are with your husband as he is wanting to keep the contact and the openess--and he is wanting to allow another woman to be a big part of his daughters life--a younger pretty woman....a threat.

Your writting expresses some very deep pain...hurt and feelings about this whole situation....but nothing about how having contact with your daughters birthmother is damaging to her in any way.....

I offer you my support as you work through the feelings you have and as you deal with the long term implications of the fact that there is and always will be a birthmother for your daughter to think about, wonder of and oneday wish to meet....