[tobeafamily]

I think your issues need to be addressed with professional counseling. You are very insecure about your relationship with your husband, your child and you do not trust yourself.

A few words from the adoption world:

1. Saying something is so does not mean it is. Despite what you tell everyone, your daughter was concieved by your husband's sperm and another woman's egg. Period. You can 'pretend' all you want, it does not change the truth.

2. When you make a promise, keep it. This teaches your daughter that you are a trustworthy person. In the first case, despite any internal misgivings, you agreed to contact. Period. Unless this woman is a physical threat to your child or yourselves (i.e. a dangerous criminal) then to dishonor your agreement is to dishonor your child.

I see FAR too many parents who close adoptions 'in the best interests of the child' when this is not the case at all - it's because of their 'best interests' or emotional needs that they choose this.

Think: What will you say when your daughter does discover the truth and does make contact with her surrogate mother and is told of your broken agreement and her biological origin? How will you help her understand that everything she understands about herself is a lie? And then, how will you heal your relationship with her?

For some insight on that one, talk with adopees whose parents did not tell them that they were not biological children and then discovered the truth later.

As for the second potential situation, if you're not comfortable with openness (which you clearly are not) then you must not go forward with the connection. Find other pbparents wherever who do not wish to have futher contact and go forward with them. Period.

IMHO please seek professional counseling. Your issues are deeper than anything this board is designed to address.

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas