[manon]

I think it might be time for you to put the brakes on the freight train that's headed full steam down the tracks towards another open adoption, if an open adoption is not what you signed on for -- and it sounds like you made it clear earlier that was not what you wanted. Of course, that may mean you'll have a lot of money and time down the drain, and it may mean you deciding whether to stay in this marriage or not.

It's hard to believe you could be this far down this path without y'all having already gotten counselling about everything that has come up from the first adoption.

It sounds like you went along with whatever your husband wanted to do the first time along for fear he'd leave you. It also sounds like he has no qualms about changing the ground rules without your consent. So I think the question is not "how do I change his and their minds?" but "do I continue to do this?"

As it is, there's one child already that you may have questionable legal claim on for custody if you & your husband divorce. Don't throw another baby into the mix if you're not willing to stay married to this man in this situation. That would be a tragedy for that baby that is unnecessary.

Take a look at the number of adoptees who post on these forums every day about the hole they feel in their soul about knowing about their past, their genetic heritage, their place in the world. It's not because they don't love the mom who raised them. It's because it's only human to want to know about that. I think the best way to be a loving adoptive mom is to be open to the possibility of your child having some kind of relationship to the birth mom at some point. I agree that frequent visits before y'all are bonded is a bad idea, and that there should be limits on contact.

You're the only one who knows if you were mostly just venting on this board or if you really are in a situation that is going to be unlivable for you. If you aren't gonna be able to accept your husband's unilateral decisions about this, you need to tell him and you need to tell him you don't want to adopt this baby under these circumstances.

I wish you well. I adopted as a single mom; I never have figured out how to stay married myself! So please take my advice with a huge grain of salt on that. But I think you're kidding yourself to think there are some magic words that will make everybody else behave the way you want them to.