[Howdy]

If she's already mentioned wanting to change her name, I'd think it would be very appropriate to discuss on the plane what she would like you to call her (I'm assuming she wants to change her first name too).

Does she see a therapist now, that bit about seeing things that aren't there sounds kind of scary (psychosis-ish, but I don't have any education in psychology so I could be totallly off). On the other hand, my previous fd was a great kid, but when she learned she was moving to live with her father (that she hadn't seen since she was an infant), she creeped me out all one weekend saying weird things and "hearing" a dog crying for help because it was dying. But after a few days she went back to being her usual normal self. So maybe your new daughter was having some sort of stress reaction (though added to stealing, lying, etc., it sounds like a situation where I would have wanted to have talked to a therapist before making any decisions) (unless the lying and sneakiness is just around things like 'did you brush your teeth').

Regarding consequences, it should depend on which rules she breaks. When my fd was a bit rude to my cats, her consequence was to have to pet them each for 60 seconds (one didn't want that, so the other got petted for 2 minutes and they both enjoyed the 'consequence'). My current fd has to say two nice things about me each time she says something rude about me. When she prevents me from doing what I want, or causes me to have to stop what I'm doing to deal with her, then I time the amount of time, and she has extra chores for that much time. It worked very well for things like when I want her to leave the room so I can change clothes and she wouldn't leave, or when she ran back to the house for something but then didn't return to the yard project and I had to go in and find her, or when she stole the county person's shoe and was playing keep-away with it.

Some consequences can just be cleaning up their own mess, like cleaning the mirror after getting nose prints on it.

Another good consequence is deducting charges from their allowance. Such as I give my fd a choice that either she can clean the mess she left in the backseat (misc food wrappers, art supplies, etc.) or I will clean it and deduct my fee from her allowance. That motivated her so much she cleaned the whole inside of the car front and back and vacuumed it! She said it was fun, aren't I lucky!

Another consequence is taking their stuff. Such as, I will give my fd so many seconds to pick up her stuff when she has left it on the floor (if its in the way, she can leave stuff on her own floor except when I'm ready to come in with the vacuum). If she doesn't do it I get to keep the item for some amount of time (depends on how much time I estimate will matter to her). Actually with the current fd I've only gotten to keep one stuffed toy for one day (she had a major tantrum, kicking the floor and everything) and she never lets her time run out on anything since then. The previous fd was very casual about her stuff, and I had to make a rule that she had to redeem it (I think I charged 25 cents per item) within two weeks, or else I'd donate it to the local charity place.

I don't know what would be good consequences for lying, stealing, etc., I've only had two fd's and the only thing either were sneaky about was teeth-brushing, and one I just had to stay and watch her and the current one has become self-motivated (after a couple painful dentist appointments).

I don't know about behavior charts, but I think a 'things that must be done each night/each morning' chart is helpful, like change underwear, brush teeth, put breakfast dishes in sink, etc.

If you haven't read Love and Logic (or listened to their zillion tapes - check your library if you are interested), it is really good about explaining consequences, and about the kind and loving 'that's-so-sad-for-you' attitude the parent needs while enforcing consequences.

Good luck with your new child!