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My heart goes out to you.
Meg, as an amom I have to say that as silly as it sometimes sounds, we aparents have a lot of insecurities and fear as well. Because my son's birthmoms did not want open adoptions we really did not know "how" to proceed when our daughter's birthmom placed her with us. We too wanted an open adoption but we were all pretty clumsy at first. She did not want to intrude in our bonding and family time and we did not want to force ourselves on her and make things more painful. So...we ended up not communicating too well at first and found out that around Christmas time that first year the birthdad's family had her completely convinced that we would as you said fade out slowly and get on with our normal lives. Luckily at that point, she called the agency and expressed her fears. We decided to really start communicating and I let her know that she could call whenever she needed to and that we are completely aware that our daughter is lucky to have two families who love her and who will be in her life. Since then we still have occasional miscommunication but not like at first. I think everyone is so fragile in the begining of this relationship. It is like no other relationship you have and most people have no way of realting to you no matter which side of the triad you are on.
That said, I would give the afamily some time to do their bonding, if your rights are not yet relinquished they may be living in fear. If after a few months you still have these fears or they seem to not be honoring their bargain, is there an agency that can contact them for you to make sure there is not a miscomunication? Sometimes being a new parent is so overwhelming in itself that little else gets done (not a great excuse but sometimes a reality). I had so much fear that I would hurt N's feelings by pushing ourselves on her or saying the wrong thing.
I know there are many stories of the aparents cutting off contact after getting what they want, and I know it happens, but there are also tons of aparents who adopt with a full desire to include the birthfamilies in their child's lives forever. Sometimes it just takes awhile to establish a comfortable relationship.
Good luck, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Becky
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