[sonata]

Welcome to the forum!

Please don't worry about saying the "wrong" thing. If you are here to share your feelings about adoption there isn't anything "wrong" with anything you say. The way you feel is the way you feel! If we think we can only say what everyone else would approve of, there wouldn't be any point in being here at all!
(I think the only exceptions are when people "slam" a certain group of the triad)

I am also an adoptee - 41 years old - and reunited with my birthfamily for two years. I am the one who searched and initiated the reunion as are many adoptees on this forum. But every adoptee doesn't feel the same way about reuniting. We all have different emotional needs based on our personality and circumstances of our family life. So if you feel this strong loyalty to your REAL Dad, and very little pull toward your biological family, then you need to follow your heart.

Some of us don't feel that it has to be mutually exclusive. We want BOTH relationships. That doesn't mean it is always easy. Deciding to maintain relationships with your birth family without causing any disruption whatsoever to your adoptive family is unrealistic. But if has to be your individual decision whether you are willing to do what it takes to maintain those relationships while also maintaining your emotional equilibrium. Again, it ISN'T EASY! Even when you are highly motivated to do it, it can be an emotional minefield for everyone involved.

Please don't feel guilty about holding your birthmother at arms length. I can tell by what you said that you have been kind and polite. It's not like you have just flat out rejected her with no explanation. I think you have every right to explain to her that although you are glad to know who she is and you appreciate her concern and interest, you really want to be there for your Dad right now.

You have every right to set the parameters that you are comfortable with. IMO, she should be happy with the fact that you love your parents so much and had a happy childhood. At least she can be content with knowing she did well for you. But she can't necessarily expect that you will immediately begin to treat her as your "long lost mother" if that's not the way you really feel! If you feel hesitant about it, it is best NOT to meet right now because it is an emotionally overwhelming and draining experience no matter how it is done. You are right to wait until (or IF) you are ready. Probably if you gently let her know that you will "be in touch" once in a while, she won't be too hurt. Maybe you could just send her a card or an email now and then saying "thinking of you" without encouraging things to go any farther.


Good luck working it all out. Let us know how it goes and I hope your Dad will be okay. Sonata