Hi. This is my first time writing anything here, and I don't want to say the wrong thing. I notice that most people's input is about searching for their biological parent(s) or child(ren).
I was adopted shortly after my birth, and grew up in a loving family. I don't remember when I was told I was adopted, but it never really had much impact on my life. Life was great! When I went to college I contacted the agency that had handled the adoption, and put it in the records that I would like any info from or about the bio. parents. I received a short "form" letter, really just an outline. The bio. people didn't have contact info on file. That was the end of that.
In my late 20's my Mom died. My real Mom. The Mom that raised me. (It bugs me when people refer to an adopted person's biological mother as their "real" mother.) It was a life-shattering time, I was and still am crushed by her death (it has gotten easier to think about her without feeling sad). The following year I got married, and a few years later had my own kids. I think God paid me back by giving us a son that looks so much like me that if I ever had any interest in finding my bio. parents (just to see someone that looked like me), I completely forgot about it!
(Our daughter looks like my husband, oh well!
)
A year and a half ago I got a message on the answering machine from a woman at the adoption agency. I knew. I couldn't eat all weekend. I was nervous. Did I really want to let all this into my life? I had made it so long without needing that part of me.
What the heck, I called her back. The agency lady & I spoke on the phone for a while, and I agreed to let her send a letter my bio. parents had written to me (and a photo!).
The biological woman and I corresponded intensely at first, lots of new information to share, photos, etc. It was new & I was glad to find out some medical history. It kind of irked me that they are still together - my biological mother and father. They don't have any children. I think that would have been even more interesting to me, to see some siblings that might look like me. Oh well, no big deal.
So, she wants to meet me. And at first I thought it could be a possibility, but I didn't want to do that without talking to my Dad about it. And I didn't even want to talk to my Dad about it because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't need to have my biological parents in my life - I have him (and my Mom, before she died). It's not that important to me to take that chance. The bio. mother understands, but is still hopeful that someday that will change.
So she continues to write to me, and I'm losing interest because I've run out of new info to share with her, and she's writing about everyday things. Then my family finds out my Dad has a serious illness. I don't want to share this with her (the bio. woman), because it's personal - so personal that it's none of her business, and I don't need her "support."
Ok, here is the thing. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I just don't want to / don't feel right about expending the energy writing to her when my Dad needs me like this (he isn't demanding that I give him my complete attention, but I'm giving him as much as I can and I know he needs it). I have guilt no matter what I do (oh well, I was raised as a Catholic!).
How can I tell her to back off, give me some time, stop writing letters to me - without making her feel bad? (and without telling her I need to attend to my Dad)
I'm sorry this ended up so long. I know how much some people want to meet their bio. parents, and I do feel fortunate to have it out there for me to chose.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks a lot.