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The place of the birthmom is different in every case. It seems that you want to state what *you* think is the way that it goes for everybody. Why? Is it because it happened to you? Did the family that you placed your child with go back on what they said they would? You cannot tell me what "my place" will be. If I feel that sending her gifts and visiting her once in a while is what she needs I will do it. I don't know why you insist on pointing out the obvious. Yes, the adoptive parents are going to be in charge of pretty much everything. They are going to be responsible for her day to day care, for raising her, and for being her "parents". That doesn't mean that I cannot do things for her. I am not dense enough to think that I have the right to do for her as if I keep her.
The other birthmom does send him presents and she also calls him to talk to him all of the time. I talk to her and will have constant contact with her to make sure that we do all of the same things for both children. This way there will never be any feelings of "you got this and I didn't". If the present thing is a problem I will figure it out with the other birthmom. If I have to buy her son presents to match the amount that my daughter gets I will. I would never do anything to make either child feel left out.
I know that there is a chance of never seeing a picture, never seeing a smile, etc. I also know that if I can make a decision that lessons the chance of all of that I will. This family lives in a place that they have lived their entire life, where their entire family lives, and where their careers are centered. If it ends up with them leaving I guess I will have to deal with that when the time comes. I still think that right now it would be best to find a family that seems like they won't do such a thing.
In response to some other concerns, I found out that the town that they live in has a high Hispanic and Asian population. I hope that helps her in regard to relating to people of her culture. Thi family is also going to place her in spanish lessons like they have their other adopted son.
I certainly trust they way that this family wants to raise this child. I've asked so many questions about how they are raising the baby that they already have. I am a good judge of character and I can tell that they will be wonderful parents. I have completel trust in their ability. I am *never* going to try to tell them how to raise their children! If they ever have a problem and ask for my help I will but aside from that it isn't my place to so such a thing. In this case I an say that.
The family wants me to be like a part of their family. They've invited me into their home and invited me to meet the entire family. They want to be close to me and they want me to be involved. I will embrace their little boy like he is a family member of mine too. I will always talk to him when he wants to (he always want to get on the phone to say hello when I call). I have no problems remaining in all of their lives the way that they want me to. I will never move away or disappear even if that means giving up a great oppurtunity in regard to my professional or musical career. The way I look at it, if I promise to do something for a child I will never break my promise. If I have to stick to something for her sake I will. If I visit on certain days I will always do so. I would never do it for a a bit and than leave and risk hurting her or making her feel unwanted.
Yes, I can deal with their imperfections, because I know there is nobody who is perfect. I just think that they will do the best that they can do.
When I say I want to be involved I mean as much as I can be. That doesn't mean that I will try to parent my child, it just means that I want to do whatever it is that I can do for her. I have to talk to the adoptive family about what is ok and what isn't. So far, it seems that we agree about everything.
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