First let me introduce myself. My name is Brenda Romanchik and I am a birthmother in a fully open adoption since my son's birth over 19 years ago. (yes, we were one of the first.) I am parenting a daughter, 11 years, and a son, 8 years. I also write and speak on open adoption issues.
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Originally posted by eurydice
I do agree with the comment about reacting to my childhood. It is the main reason why I always said I *never* wanted a child. I guess I've always been afraid that I might make the same mistakes as my mother and father. I've also set really high standards for how I think that a child should be raised. People tell me they are too high and unrealistic but I don't agree.
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How will you feel when the adoptive family does not live up to your expectations? It will happen. I work with hundreds of birthparents in open adoptions and there have been situations in every single one of them. The bottom line is that you are in no position to even comment about what you disagree with. You have the role role of an in-law, and good in-laws do not interfere unless the child is endangered in some way. What if you see them making some of the same mistakes your parents made? Even in a good marriage people do not always agree with how a child should be raised. The difference between a good marriage and a good open adoption is that in a good open adoption a birthparent knows that they have no say on how their child is raised. Will you be able to keep silent and let them parent, even when you disagree with them?
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Originally posted by eurydice
I know for a fact that this family could give her more than I can. They already have a college fund set up for both kids (even though they haven't adopted a second). They have their first son in music and spanish lessons (he is only three). What else? Their family owns a ranch with horses, cattle, and all sorts of other animals to play with. The mother is a stay at home mom so she has all the time in the world.
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Open adoption, in the best situations, is about birthfamily and adoptive family becoming extended family to one another. How are they going to feel about your college fund for your child, especially if the other birthmother is not doing the same? Can you embrace this little boy as well? How do you see your role in his life? How do you see your role in the life of the adoptive parents? All of these relationships are important to nurture for the same reason it is important for the adoptive family to nurture a relationship with the birthfamily.
Because all these relationships are important to the child. [/b][/quote]
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Originally posted by eurydice
I am not as worried about what I want as I am about how she might be affected. I am Cuban, Ecuadorian, Spanish and her father is Chinese. The town that this family lives in is all caucasian and I am so worried that kids will make fun of her for being "different". I just don't want her to have to go through anything negative. I am afraid that she will hate me and I am also afraid that she will long for a different life (with her birthparents). I don't want her to feel unwanted.
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I cannot say how she will feel, but even open adoption involves loss for everyone. I have talked to many adopted children who feel it to some extent. The bottom line in well adjusted kids is are these losses dealt with in a healthy way. They acknowledged and discussed. Also, the sense of loss is different than feeling unwanted. Most birthparents I know in open adoptions, myself included, have communicated how much they "wanted" their children. It is possible for a child to feel wanted and welcome, but still feel loss.
As for the transracial issue, I have seen this to be a major issue for kids in their teens. The sad fact is that many people can accept a person of another race as long as they are not dating their son or daughter. Have you talked to the prospective adoptive parents about how they are going to intigrate your child's culture into their family?
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Originally posted by eurydice
I want to be totally involved in her life. I will be there for her and see her and send her stuff all of the time. I will worry about her just like her adoptive family will. I will think about her every minute.
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This sounds like the role of a parent. I would be lying if I said the involvement I have with my son is the same as the children I parent. I have two very different roles in their lives. I do not worry about my eldest son's day to day needs. I am not totally involved in his life. It is not my place to be. It is what I lost when I gave him other parents. That is not to say that I do not love them all deeply, but it is different.
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Originally posted by eurydice
I trust the family, they seem so nice, but you never know what can happen in the future. I need to ask questions like you all have suggested. I will be meeting with the family on Wednesday so I will make sure to ask away until I am sure that they are perfect.
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I think it is very important to ask yourself if you can live with uncertainty. You cannot prepare for every situation and it is really important that if you do place him you can let go of your role as a parent. This
is the loss of birthparents in open adoptions and it is a
big one. The bottom line question you need to ask yourself is are you willing to let go and place this child in the arms, heart and mind of another. No one will be perfect. The question is can you live with their imperfections, good qualities are easy to live with.
Feel free to contact me privately if you think I can help.