In response to all of these comments. Yes, yes, and yes!
I really do feel emotionally ready to keep my baby. Of course, I am not perfect and I still have a ways to go in regard to evolving as a person, but I do feel that I would never mistreat her and I would love her and teach her everything that I can.
I do agree with the comment about reacting to my childhood. It is the main reason why I always said I *never* wanted a child. I guess I've always been afraid that I might make the same mistakes as my mother and father. I've also set really high standards for how I think that a child should be raised. People tell me they are too high and unrealistic but I don't agree.
I know for a fact that this family could give her more than I can. They already have a college fund set up for both kids (even though they haven't adopted a second). They have their first son in music and spanish lessons (he is only three). What else? Their family owns a ranch with horses, cattle, and all sorts of other animals to play with. The mother is a stay at home mom so she has all the time in the world.
I am not as worried about what I want as I am about how she might be affected. I am Cuban, Ecuadorian, Spanish and her father is Chinese. The town that this family lives in is all caucasian and I am so worried that kids will make fun of her for being "different". I just don't want her to have to go through anything negative. I am afraid that she will hate me and I am also afraid that she will long for a different life (with her birthparents). I don't want her to feel unwanted.
I just wonder if there are any adult adoptees who could tell me their thoughts on open adoption. Do you still feel that sense of loss? The sense of feeling unwanted?
I want to be totally involved in her life. I will be there for her and see her and send her stuff all of the time. I will worry about her just like her adoptive family will. I will think about her every minute. I will also do *everything* that I can to better myself so I can set a good example for her (if she even knows that much about me).
I trust the family, they seem so nice, but you never know what can happen in the future. I need to ask questions like you all have suggested. I will be meeting with the family on Wednesday so I will make sure to ask away until I am sure that they are perfect.
Thanks so much for you help