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Old 02-23-2004, 12:30 AM
MNelson MNelson is offline
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Re: I'm considering placing my baby up for adoption and I need advice!!!

Quote:
I know that I would be a good mother and that I would love her so much. I just know that we would have such a rough time. I wouldn't be able to afford anything and she would have to suffer because of it. I know what it's like, because even though my parents weren't horribly poor, they had a ton of money problems and we (the kids) went through so much because of it.


I'm writing from the context of knowing so very little about your situation, but what strikes me is that it seems that you are saying that you are emotionally capable of raising your child, but you are insecure about the impact that your financial status might have on a child. That sounds like to me that you have a lot more soul-searching to do before deciding to place your child with adoptive parents.

It seems that you went through a lot as a child because of money problems, but you said yourself that your parents weren't horribly poor. It seems to me then that you might have some insight into how to shield your child better than your parents did.

I was raised by my biological parents and we had money problems, but they were really of my father's own making of living beyond our means. I have horrible memories of us having to search the house for the change from a $20 bill because that was all we had to buy groceries for the remaining ten days of the month, even though we lived in an upper middle class house! I swore I would never put my children through anything like that and I turned out financially responsible as a result, never living beyond my means.

My point is we are not destined to repeat our parents' mistakes. Please think about whether you are placing as a reaction to how you were treated as child, or whether you really feel that you are unable to parent in the way you see fit for your child.

As far as the fear of the pa-parents not remaining open -- continue to ask the birthmother of their adopted child detailed questions like "Did you ever call up with short notice and ask for a visit, if so how did they respond?" I'm not saying this is preferred behavior for a birthparent, I'm just saying you can find out just how far their current relationship may have been stressed. If it has been stressed and it is still successful, then it sounds like they might be pretty understanding folks and would be low risk for going back on their agreements with you.

I wish you the best of luck in your very difficult decision, and will hope to hear more of your journey on the forums.
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