[MkMw]

Missy M and DLouis -

You have both very nicely summed up alot of how I feel, but couldn't articulate regarding the permanent solution to a temporary problem. Missy - I've read many of your posts before, but had never read your whole story.

2 other points (and I may edit or delete this later, I've becom leary about sharing too much on-line in a "permanent" fashion). I don't know *all* the reasons my sons' birthmom chose to place them - only what she told me. BUT she did not lose them forever, even though she is in South Africa and we are in the U.S. I EXPECT that one day my (our) kids will have a relationship with her - the depth, type or timing of that relationship is a great unknown....Second, I never heard her refer to them as a problem, an inconvenience, or a mistake and I NEVER will they are the greatest 2 kids in the world (I'm completely unbiased of course). She made some bad choices. She worked really really REALLY hard to "fix" them and stay in the "active parent" role. She had an exemplary (sp?) pregnancy and a loving family.

What she didn't have was a job, time, money, or a place to live. When we left SA she had a good job. She worked 50 hours a week (on her feet) - that doesn't count commute time. She made about what it would cost her in daycare expenses (2 infants). The government would give her almost enough money to feed the babies. She was worried that her children WOULD go into foster care (not by her choice), and that they WOULD be separated from each other as well as her. She made a very difficult choice. Our sons were never in foster care - we took them home from the hospital when they were 16 days and kept them during the 60 day period that most babies were put into foster care. And I can tell you, I can't imagine trying to work full time even now and meet their needs.

You are right - money is NOT everything. My kids have hundreds of dollars of toys. And, like every other "kid" in the world, their favorites are empty cardboard boxes, sticks, mud, and banging on my pots and pans. BUT it (money) has given me the freedom to have the TIME to give them what they needed and need as babies. Babies are only babies for a few years, and it is the neediest time of their life. Why is it "barbaric" to make sure they have what they need when they need it the most?

Anyway - I hope this makes some sort of sense, I've spent alot of time thinking about the "money" issue lately, and I think that often it is scapegoat - an easy thing to blame. I'm always reminded of my Psych. teacher in high school, she told us to never blame not going to college on not having the money - that if you want something bad enough, you'll figure out a way to pay for it. I'm not comparing the 2 - looking for employment when you are pregnant or a new mother is much more challenging - but it may be a factor.