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Hi Jeager,
Reunion can be a very slow and very complex process. It is a guessing game at best, and each party in the reunion needs to try to be sensitive to what the other party desires. I think this especially true on the side of the searcher. (I am guessing that your husband located his b-mom- but I could be wrong.)
I am speaking to this issue as a reunioned adoptee- after locating my b-mom in April 2003 (by intermediary) and having contact by phone and letter since October 2003 ( after a search angel had identified and located her for me). We are building a great relationship very slowly- talking by phone 2 times a week on the average. (Sending pictures, etc. by letter as well) She has not told my 3 half sisters and 1 half brother. The only person in her family that knows of me is her husband (not my father).
When an adoptee and b-parent find each other- they are STRANGERS. We could not begin to understand all of the events, family issues and dynamics etc. in the other person's life that make the person feel/act the way they do. And we should accept that our b-parents or our b-kids had/have a life WITHOUT us. I can imagine it would be EXTREMELY unsettling to be "found" when none of your family knew about the searcher.
I don't know the era of your husband's adoption- but when I was born (1960's)- after a child was relinquished- she/he was often not spoken of EVER again because of the stigma that was placed on un-wed mothers. So the mothers have many feelings/fears that were buried out of necessity due to the "times." In many cases these feelings have never been addressed/dealt with until the person was found.
I have to agree with Sonata that your husband should respect his b-mom's wishes. Although it is very early in my own reunion, I do not know if my b-mom will EVER be able to tell her other kids.
Since I don't know all of the reasons/circumstances in her life, I could never demand that she tell them. (Although I would love it if she did because I would love to know them also). I feel it is her job to tell them or not to tell them and not mine.
Think about something that you did, a mistake you made, or an event that was REALLY embarrassing/traumatic in you/your husband's life. Then think of some outside party coming in and broadcasting to your whole family that this had occurred. I don't know about you guys- but I would feel totally out of control, crushed, and I would really RESENT the person that had taken my right to tell my personal information when and if I wanted. The information that the person told about me may not have been any big deal in THEIR eyes........ but it was HUGE to ME.
So my suggestion is to assess how your husband feels about his birth-mom. Is he willing to risk losing his relationship with her? If he tells, he would definitely risk throwing the relationship with his b-mom away. And there is no guarantee that the siblings will accept him either. So then you have lost both.
I would really think about the consequences of this before you do anything. (JMHO)
I know it is a hard situation with no definite guidelines or protocol. Good luck to your husband in whatever he decides to do.
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