[sonata]

To Jaeger....NO, I don't think your husband should make contact with his birthsiblings on his own.

(Before I go any further I will add that I am an adoptee in reunion so you will know that I do understand the situation....)

Like it or not, your husband really has no right to do that. His birthmother made a very difficult decision 30-some-odd years ago when she relinquished him for adoption. She has had to live her life with that decision. But the decision was hers and she has stuck by it. The adoption is done, legal, and binding. And if her decision is to continue to keep her illegitimate (?) child a secret, then I think he has to respect that.

Having said that, I will be the FIRST to say that as adoptees we should have the right to know the circumstances of our birth, our heritage, our medical history, and "where" we came from. But no, we DON'T have the right to force ourselves into anyone's lives.

I don't know how your husband made the initial contact with his birthmother - assuming he is the one who did the searching. But I think one caveat before making any such contact would be to pledge to respect the wishes of the "found" person regarding the involvement of their family members. The birthmother has the right to preserve her family structure as she sees fit. By the same token, it wouldn't be right for a birthmother to insist on meeting the adoptive family after a reunion either. The reunion is between TWO PEOPLE. The mother and the child. Period. Anything further relationships with extended family are not a right and should not be expected or demanded.

I hope I don't sound harsh here, but this is the reality. The birthmother is totally within her rights as a person to refrain from telling her family about this. Of course your husband is also within his rights to abandon the relationship with his birthmother if she doesn't "tell" but frankly that would be spiteful and childish. I hope he doesn't do that.

Best wishes, Sonata