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The 'real mom' comment is a ploy. A child is only going to use it when it works. Sounds like your Dad let you succeed at alienating him and questioning his authority.
I don't allow that to happen. I start with the knowledge that I am inheriently the mother to ALL of my children, regardless of how they entered this home. Then, I expect obedience (to the best of their ability). We recently adopted a 7 year old. Last week, I overheard him telling his 5 year old sister that he didn't have to obey me because I was not his 'real mother'. I just laughed. I told him if I thought for a second he believed that silliness then I would comment on it. But, we both knew he must obey me just as surely as we both know that I AM his mother, no discussions about it.
As for sibling rivalry. I have 4 children so far, and so far only 1 is adopted. There is no more sibling rivalry between him and his siblings than amongst themselves. The only child who doesn't get involved in any fights is the baby. She's too young and they all spoil her rotten anyway. She has no reason to argue all she has to do is turn on the tears and the older 3 fall all over themselves to give her what she wants (wonder how long that is going to work). And yes, I absolutely treat all of my children equally and fairly. How they entered this home does not influence my expectations of them, nor my direction of their behavior.
The oldest two have had some real struggles for the upper hand recently. Does my daughter think its fair that I treat her equally to her brother? Not really, she'd rather I worship the ground she walks on and correct everyone who gets in her way. But, she wishes I would do that to her 2 brothers equally. To help them with their fighting, I implemented a no-fault policy. Basically, if I catch them fighting, I don't really care the details, they are going to sit on opposite corners of my bed facing each other until they are both ready to move on from the fight and get along. It took 1 day to see results. They are still fighting, but nothing near what they were doing when I started this. I simply wasn't going to play referee between them and I wasn't going to listen to the constant battles. So, I held them both accountable for getting along. And gee, regardless of how they entered this home they are both capable of getting along most of the time.
The other thing I did with our son which was highly recommended by the adoption experts is that I established boundaries on his first day home. For his sake, and the sake of his little siblings, I did not excuse his behavior because he was new. Now, I don't use corporal punishment and feel its very wrong to use on an older adopted child. But, I give all of my children a warning before I redirect their behavior. In his case, I gave him the same warning with an explanation of the rules of the house and the dynamics of how a family works. Then, if he crossed the lines I started with time-ins versus time-outs (basically isolating them from the stimuli but keeping yourself next to them). We practiced time-ins almost exclusively with him until recently. Now that he understands what is expected of him, I find that he responds well to having some space to reflect and rebounds his behavior much better if he is directed somewhere calm for that reflection, rather than a time-in now. Its the same approach I use with his younger sister that usually helps her regain control of herself as well.
Also, I think its very important to remember that you need to establish a bond and attachment with an older child. Its fairly easy with a baby because you are physically touching them all the time to meet their needs. But, an older child could easily have their physical needs met without any human touch or contact. That isn't going to facilitate the attachment in an older child. You need to know how bonding and attachment happens. Then, you need to go out of your way to seek the opportunity to touch and be in close physical contact with your child. Many experts recommend intentionally regressing the child and rocking and possibly even bottle feeding that child for awhile. Co-sleeping is another option to facilitate the close proximity and enhance the bonding. Putting lotion on them, playing games that require eye contact and with them on your lap, etc, etc. Actually, The Weaver's Craft is an excellent book for helping you think about those issues. Its geared towards toddler adoption but can be helpful for older child adoption as well. Adopting the Older Child by Claudia Jewitt is a classic. I found some things outdated but still some excellent information about how to approach an older child adoption. Attaching in Adoption (or something like that) is another excellent book. And, you can search the internet for information about attachment and adoption. I know the older child adoption website is full of resources: olderchildadoption.com
Really, the one thing I can tell you about an older child adoption is to develop a game plan for bonding, family life, discipline, etc before you bring the child home. Then modify your game plan to the specific personality and needs of your child when you get them home. When it comes to older child adoption, I just don't think you can prepare too much. You may find a redundancy in the information. But, it will serve to drive home the important parts long before you begin your trial by fire.
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