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Hi! I am new to this forum and am very interested in open adoption vs. closed adoption. I am 29 and an adoptee who grew up in a closed adoption. I searched for and found my bmother when I was 17. Growing up being adopted was my one defining feature; it was what made me me. And boy, was I a confused child and young adult. Still am at times. After 12 years of knowing my bmother and developing a rel'ship with her, I still look at her and think, wow, I lived in her body for 9 months. She is truly my mother. And I still look at my adoptive mother and don't feel the intimate connection I do with Angela. Adoption is just a very confusing thing for an adoptee to go through. And I will live with it forever.
Open adoption, in principle, seems like a way to avoid all the questions the adoptee struggles with growing up. But is it better for the adoptee in the long run? I always wonder how I would have turned out if I had known who my bmother was from a very young age. It is just my opinion, but I am glad I didn't meet my bmother till I was old enough to handle it. Even then it was the strangest experience of my life. It seems to me that had I known that she gave birth to me, but wasn't raising me that would have made me even more confused. Kind of like, "how come you come visit, but you won't take me home with you?" And how did I come to live with these people?
Have you given much thought as to when you will tell your child that the person she always thought was Ms. Sarah or Aunt Sarah is really your child's mother? I have 2 children of my own now - my son is 3 and daughter is 10 months and I don't think I will tell them who Ms. Angela is until their teenage years at the youngest! I mean it would just blow their minds to know that Mom-mom Hair done (my son came up with the name when he saw his grandmother at the beauty parlor) is not really their Mom-mom.
I'm also wondering whose idea it was to keep the adoption open. Was it the bmother's? If I was ever to adopt children I would not want my child's bmother involved. I would not have a problem with sending pictures maybe every couple years, but for her to come visit and spend time and for my child to know who she is, well, it would be too confusing. What does that do to a child?
I hope I haven't offended you. I am just curious how it all works and if anyone has really thought about how the child will look at the big picture.
Another thing is that your job as the parent is to guide your child in the way YOU hope he or she should be raised. If there are 2 mothers essentially involved, won't that just make your job that much more difficult? And what about if the bmother wants to be more and more involved in activities or in parenting decisions? Or just always puts their two cents in so that you question the way you are parenting? Can you change your mind about the open adoption? Or is it like a contract that is written up?
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