[HappyMomAnna]

You might consider becoming certified as Foster Parents for an identified child---you partner might be able to ask the state to place the child with you--and then you would at least be in the postion of minimizing the number of homes this baby is place into--that will lead to a much better attachment with you should adoption become the possibility.

It would be tru the the babies mother has the final say on things--unless for some reason the state moved to terminate her rights. Her parents at this point have no right to decide anything--the baby is still her baby until she no longer has rights. Unlike the old days when a young mother's parents were able to make these decisions for their daughter because she was a minor.

Open or not if you would like to become adoptive parents it is very important for an adoptee to always know the story--like it is just the same as the story we tell about our pregnancy and delivery--we tell the story of how our child came into our lives.

If you spend anytime reading the adoptee posts here you will find the ones who have the hardest time were OFTEN those who were told late--or by relatives--or by accident. The sotry of how a child came into a family should always be as normal as any other story--because it is normal! There really are a lot of adopted children now--and we do want these children to feel as part of the family as any! To keep it from them for any time makes it a secreat--or a big deal--or something odd....

Most people now agree it is best to at least try to have an open adoption to some degree or another. Unless for some reason there needs to be protection for the child. Otherwise both the birthmother and adopted child do seem to have something the children adoted in the day of secreacy didn't have--Information.
Just knowing you do look like someone--that the someone you look like made this choice for you--so you would grow up with everything needed when the birthmother just was not able to provide it.... An Open adoption can be just about anything the parties agree to--from visits and meetings to simply letters and pictures once a year.

Some birthmothers want open adoptions at first and then find it too painful and ask for less info later--some need to move on and let go because seeing or visiting too often only hurts. Some birthmothers do very well with open adoption agreements and are able to love that you love the child so much. Some adoptive families have a hard time with open agreements and feel the birthmother is not letting go. Some adoptive families have a hard time with visits espeicalliy I have noticed--when there are other children involved--either with the adootive family and sometimes with the birthmother if she later has other children she decides to parent. Open adoption is just that--OPEN to what the parties decide and hopefully always with the childs needs in mind.

Many adoptive families enjoy an open relationship with extended brithfamily memeber--aunts, uncles and grandparents. Most of us can agree there can never be too many aunts, uncles or grandparents around for our children. Some adoptive families do face difficulties with the extended family members--especially in the area of entitlements...grandparents who are still grandparents or who wish the adoption didn't actually happen because now their child is ready and able to be a parent. Soemtime these situations can be difficult.

Either way--openess depends on everyone and all parties have to agree it is only the child that matters.

As for siblings---your biological children should learn that everyone in the family is exactly the same--valued the same--and means the same to the parents. Children do grow up and use any fotter they can find to hurt each other. Siblings can be horrible to each other. Your biologicalchild might one day actually say--I am better because I born to them--and your adopted child might answer back--So what they picked me and got stuck with you!
The mean stuff can go both ways. And usually will. As parents I think it is best not to get over reactive to this junk! In our house we don't hurt anyone for any reason and what you said hurt. No matter who said what.

As parents however--it is your job to be very certain you will treat both of these children the same--dream the same dreams for them and expect the same things from them. It is easy to sit back and think this kid wouldn't be like this if I was the bio mother to him---don't go there! EVER because having had two bios and two adoptees--I can assure you each child is different and sometimes the one you give birth to is the least like you the the rest.... The key is to learn about our children and what makes them who they are---each special for themself and each loved as part of the family.