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Carol,
A woman that is has decided to place her first born child for adoption makes a major decision without having any idea how powerful maternal instincts can be after giving birth. It has nothing to with logic, and everything to do with raw emotion and grief over giving up her child. That is part of the reason the final TPR's aren't signed until after birth.
I know you didn't mean to, but you're comment "I find it emotionally draining. I understand that she has substaincial pain but she does need to move on even a little" does comes across sounding a little insensitive. Kinda like "I held up my end of the bargain, why isn't she?".
I can't tell you what to do, but I would patiently try to reinforce her confidence about her decision. If you can see your way clear to a visit, perhaps it would help her to see you with the baby.
The two of you will have a life long connection through your child whether you like it or not. If it were me, I would go the extra to try and make sure it starts off as well as possible.
I wish you luck.
Trish
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