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I agree, attunement is a word you don't hear much. I wish there was more information available on that subject.
I'm so sorry to hear about your problems with your little girl. I can imagine that the temper tantrums are getting old, quick. Since I'm not experienced with older child adoption, I can only tell you what I would attempt.
Do you have a rocking chair?
Try to set aside a special time for holding her on your lap, rocking her and keep telling her how special she is to you and how much you love her. Hold her like she was a baby (a bit tricky, since she is after all considerably bigger than an infant), make sure you have eye contact, stroke her hair and her face and just "feel" her.
Make her feel that she IS your baby..
I believe the key element here is physical contact. After all, it comes more natural to hold an infant or a toddler, because the smaller the child, the more dependent she is, not to mention easier to lift/handle.
I wish you all the best. Surely you will find the "key" to open your little girl's heart!
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