Originally Posted By
dianeh
I read both of your posts about your dread. I am the amom of 2 girls, open adoptions with each. The first was semi-open, which we opened completely when our daughter was 2. (She's 4 now) The other started out completely open, and that daughter is 2 now.
We were very nervous about openness when we started out. That's why we went with the semi open at the beginning--and that was our agency's standard "minimun" at the time, if that's what the bmom wanted. I can tell you more specifically if you want to know, we can e-mail personally (jddianeh@southwind.net). Here's what I have to say about your fear...
1.)Counseling is of MAJOR importance--for both you and the bmom. Our social worker was *wonderful* in dealing with our fears realistically and with both the bfamilies. Our sw is still somewhat involved if we need her. She acted as go-between when we opened the older daughter's adoption, helping both sides see the other's point of view and working out a reasonable way to see the future. She also kept up with bfamilies after the adoptions and did some counseling with them for a while. If you don't have a sw you're working with, use some kind of facilitator. I don't recommend going it alone--it's not best for you or for bmom.
2) Read "The Spirit of Open Adoption" by Jim Gritter. It was instrumental for us. It will help you see just how it can work.
3) Remember that there are places you can go if/when things turn sour. I don't know where you are, but The Center For Family Connections in Cambridge, MA is a place to call upon for help in difficult adoption situations. I've known of others to use their services, though we haven't. I was at an open adoption conference recently where Joyce Maguire Pavao, the founder and director of The Center, was a speaker. It was really nice to hear her talk about their work there. I never realized that sometimes you can close an open adoption, work on issues with professional help, and then re-open it with different boundaries. We are in the midwest, but I asked our sw where we would turn if we ever needed that kind of help. She had several recommendations, so I know that help is out there if we search for it.
4) If you are dealing with a specific bmom, and things just don't feel right in your gut, don't be so desperate that you proceed anyway. If you can already tell that things are going to be very rocky, they will be. That will certainly not be the best thing for your child. You will know when it's right. I'm not saying it's easy or without pain, you'll have to work at any relationship, but it can work. We're living proof!
5) I recommend working with someone local, and being very careful about "stranger" matches.
hope this is helpful,
dianeh
