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Second Thoughts
I have posted a few times on these forums since I found out I was pregnant back in September, and the insights of others have certainly been a source of comfort. However, here I am now six months pregnant and I still feel very torn. As my baby has grown and started to move inside me, I have begun to feel very attached to her. Now I find myself feeling that I dread the day I give birth. Not because I want to be pregnant forever, and not because I fear the pain of childbirth (though who doesn't), but because I will have to let her go. I don't think I am ready to be a mother, but I'm afraid I'll never be able to pull myself back together after she's gone. Even if I got letters and pictures from her parents every week, it still wouldn't make up for not being there. The babys father feels very strongly about our going ahead with the adoption though. I do understand where he's coming from, but selfishly I also know it's not his choice. I have always regarded this child as a blessing and a positive event in my life, but I fear her birth father does not. Recently we were filling out paperwork for the adoption and I found out that the only members of his family that know of my pregnancy are his parents. He hasn't even told his brother and sister. Words can't describe how much it hurts me to know that he is treating this baby like some dirty little secret. We have known each other for five years and I have met almost every member of his immediate and extended family. I just can't understand why he is so ashamed. I know part of it is surely pressure from his catholic parents who even suggested I have an abortion early on, but a part of him must also not want people to know. He told me that it didn't seem fair to him that if we keep the child he will be forced to be just a weekend dad at best. It's true that I would want primary custody if we were to raise this baby, and in light of my being the mother (not to mention the more financially stable of the two of us), it seems likely that this would be the case. We live in Florida now, but he wants to move to California after the baby is born. I, on the other hand, have a year left of graduate school and then hope to move to Virginia. He is unwilling to compromise on location, and to a certain extent , I am too. I know we are going to have our own lives, and therefore, we can't provide the most favored family situation for this baby, but is that reason alone for not even trying. I am too far from trying to work out all of the problems and questions that might come up in the future if we raise this child, because I've learned the hard way that you can't predict what the future will hold. However, I also feel that the potential challenges don't have to scare us into thinking that we are incapable of being parents. Can someone help me understand why he would rather choose not being a father at all over being the best one he can.
Kendra
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