Quote:
Originally posted by Sharon
Missy, I agree with everything Patrisha said. You know I have the utmost respect for you; I think you are a very strong woman. But there were no options at the time you placed. There was no support for anything other than closed adoption. So you weren't given any options, and you weren't allowed to make any choice. It was either closed adoption or nothing.
And, although you say you think open adoption might be more difficult, you did in fact know where Tovia was and how she was doing throughout her childhood, through an error made by the adoption agency in placing her with your neighbors. There was never a time when you had to wonder whether or not she was still alive; you could just walk out into your driveway and see for yourself, more or less.
I'm not saying you don't know your own mind. If you say closed adoption was the better choice for you, so be it. But the parts of closed adoption that devastate and destroy women's lives, you never truly experienced. You never experienced not knowing where your child was, not knowing what she looked like, not knowing if she was safe and healthy, not knowing if she was alive. I realize you didn't have contact with her; she didn't know you were her birthmother; y'all didn't have a mother/ daughter relationship during her growing up years. But you had, in effect, all the benefits of a semi-open adoption. You saw her in passing from time to time. I realize this was a mistake, it wasn't what you wanted, and it was difficult for you. But don't you think it was possibly just a little easier than if you had given her up at birth to unknown strangers and never seen her again or heard a single word about her well-being? Don't you think perhaps you were able to have a little more peace in your heart than many birthmoms in "closed adoptions" have, because you did in fact know that she was okay, or at least alive?
~ Sharon
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Patrisha...Never once in my 1st post did I "laud" closed adoption; I simply responded to a post in which I stated that open adoption wasn't the ONLY option and I am not sure it was the best option at the time FOR ME. It was my only option, but knowing my state of mind it wasn't even best for my child BACK THEN. I was a wreck; I remember taking her into the hospital's restroom and locking the door and forcing security and maint. to remove the door to get us out....I remember tearing up the documents the first, second AND third time the social worker brought them in to me, until my mother threatened to have me committed to the psych unit. I remember having to leave the hospital under sedation. I remember so many things that would have scared the s**t out of Gina; Tovia's a-mom. She'd have taken Tovia to the outermost corner of the world to insure her safety. Thats all I meant by my post. I would never ever tell a person seeking advice that one choice is the only choice, even if I felt it was the best choice. I actually agreed with the post in which you said all adoptions should at least contain a photo and ID for the search thats bound to happen 18 years from placement. I am sorry you disagree that my state of mind wasn't important then but I simply wasn't prepared to walk away from Tovia once a month; it had nothing to do with a little emotional discomfort for me. I didn't think I could, and I couldn't risk damaging her or her family in the process of trying to see. That might sound selfish to you but believe me, I'd have been back in a closed format after the first physical contact. The amazing thing is, I did become able to handle it; I had to.
Sharon....I can honestly say I had a great adoption saga despite me not opting for it. The fact is I saw Tovia daily for 14 years and weekly at church after I moved away. At times I even baby sat her. I have no idea of the pain that other b-moms endure and I would never tell anyone to step into that posistion. As I said my job was to protect her at all costs even from me and for that reason open adoption didn't feel like something I could handle the way it was meant to be.... I DID handle it however, I lived 2 doors away from her and I never regretted it. I wouldn't have described it as the best of both worlds, just better than the "normal??" closed situation. I am in no way insensitive to the pain you have to go thru. I thank God daily for what I had with her. I hope I've made what I meant clearer and I won't post that statement again.....Much Love....Missy