[nickychaz]

Hi, I am an adult adoptee and have two biological children of my own, a five year old boy and a ten year old boy. My children know that I am adopted and that I am searching for my parents. My youngest is not old enough to understand, but my older son, Nicky, realizes that he has grandparents out there and would very much like to meet them. Nicky asks me all kinds of questions about my biological parents (his grandparents) and I have told him everything that I know about them, although All I know is from the non-id. Nicky is also curious about my adoptive parents and I have told him all that I know about them as well. He actually met my adoptive mother once, but he was young (5) and dose not remember much about her. Nicky used to ask to visit her or call her all the time, but I think he realized that the subject made me uncomfortable and does not ask anymore. I did allow him to send her a card at Christmas time,I have not heard from her since. Nicky has asked why she has not sent him a letter in return and I simply reply that I do not know why. My son realizes that my adopted mother has remarried, moved out of state,and has not had the courage to tell her huband
about us yet.

I am still looking for my birth parents, but am not sure that
I should include my son in the search. I am afraid that if I find her and she does not want contact with us it will crush Nicky. I would love to know how other adoptees handle situations like this.
I feel so afraid and alone sometimes that I don't know what to do.
I would deperately like to find some relative (mother, brother, sister, father, anyone) and feel so sad. It is hard to go through
life with no family of my own ! I also know that my children deserve a family and feel guilty that I am not able to provide one for them.

The holidays are especially hard. People assume that you should have family around and ask questions about where they are. Even my sister-in-law asked about "my mother". I just turned red and did not know what to say. My 10 year old answered for me "Well, my adoptive grandmother lives in Ohio and my biological grandmother is a nurse somewhere, but we have not found her yet" It was so sad. I had to excuse myself and go cry in the bathroom.

I would really appreciate any advice on how other adoptees help their
children cope with their adoption, biological and adoptive parents. Please help !!!