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Missy, I agree with everything Patrisha said. You know I have the utmost respect for you; I think you are a very strong woman. But there were no options at the time you placed. There was no support for anything other than closed adoption. So you weren't given any options, and you weren't allowed to make any choice. It was either closed adoption or nothing.
And, although you say you think open adoption might be more difficult, you did in fact know where Tovia was and how she was doing throughout her childhood, through an error made by the adoption agency in placing her with your neighbors. There was never a time when you had to wonder whether or not she was still alive; you could just walk out into your driveway and see for yourself, more or less.
I'm not saying you don't know your own mind. If you say closed adoption was the better choice for you, so be it. But the parts of closed adoption that devastate and destroy women's lives, you never truly experienced. You never experienced not knowing where your child was, not knowing what she looked like, not knowing if she was safe and healthy, not knowing if she was alive. I realize you didn't have contact with her; she didn't know you were her birthmother; y'all didn't have a mother/ daughter relationship during her growing up years. But you had, in effect, all the benefits of a semi-open adoption. You saw her in passing from time to time. I realize this was a mistake, it wasn't what you wanted, and it was difficult for you. But don't you think it was possibly just a little easier than if you had given her up at birth to unknown strangers and never seen her again or heard a single word about her well-being? Don't you think perhaps you were able to have a little more peace in your heart than many birthmoms in "closed adoptions" have, because you did in fact know that she was okay, or at least alive?
~ Sharon
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