[Howdy]

Have you read the book "Can this Child be Saved?" (I'll paste a book review of it down below), it is very scary (full of stories like yours) but I think it should be required reading before any older child adoption.

My cousin had/has RAD. He was adopted from a foreign orphanage when he was 2 yrs old, but either 'attachment parenting' hadn't been discovered yet or else my aunt & uncle didn't know about it (or else it didn't work), because he was a scary child, wound up living in RTC for some years, and then spent his teenage years terrifying my aunt and other cousin (my uncle had died by then of a heart attack, never occurred to me, but maybe my scary cousin contributed to it). Luckily for my aunt he got thrown in jail (for armed robbery) for a few years as soon as he was an adult, and she moved from their suburban house to a small apartment where (after he got out of jail) she could honestly say she just didn't have room for him to move in. He was still scaring her for a while in his twenties, but by his mid-thirties he straightened out a lot, not exactly an exemplary person, but has a job and actually bought my aunt a birthday present last year. It was big news in the family, so that sort of indicates how his past behavior has been!

When I read posts from people who say people should accept a child and not even consider 'returning' it, I always think "they should have my cousin as a kid and then say that". I'm waiting to find an older child to adopt, but I never would have done this without knowing I have the option not to finalize. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in fear of my child killing me (especially after reading 'Can this Child be Saved' which mentions adoptive parents that were killed by their children).

Here's one of the reviews of the Can this Child be Saved book from Amazon.com:
"For anyone thinking about adopting an older child, this book is a must read but put it LAST on your list. If I had read it first, I probably would have dropped the idea altogether. It is full of frightenning examples of how adopting an older child can lead you and your family down a path to ruin. It does give techniques to deal with and hopefully change some of the disturbing behaviors you may encounter. Most important, it tells you what issues a child has that may lead him to these behaviors.

It will arm you with knowledge needed so when you're given a referral, you'll have a much better chance of choosing a child who will grow and thrive in your family instead of tear it apart. There are so many kids waiting for adoption that CANNOT be saved no matter how you try. You owe it to yourself and your family to read this book. It can help you make the right choice that could literally save your lives."