[Dawnzlight]

Dear Posters,


I adopted my son, when he was 8, he is now 18. I dont want to make this too long winded, but not sure how to capsulize it. He was in foster care from the age of 2 til when we adopted him. He knows his birthmom, had 'visits' with her up to that point. Understandibly he has issues with women. He has had counseling in every form and fashion from in home to treatment centers. The last 5 years escalated from passive aggressive behaviors to outright violent, homicidal. He has shown these behaviors in other settings, but primarily he lashes out at me. He has been arrested, he has been put in detention centers, jail and several youth programs, such as Outdoor programs and the last one was a 'independent living program"....which made him no more independent than a newborn baby. He has been out since June of 2003 when he turned 18. We let him come home. Mistake. We helped him get set up in an apt, he lost it, all of his stuff and ours, and for the next 4 months we rarely saw him, or heard from him-til he called one day asking to go to church, and needing help to get himself out of that situation. We helped him. Also, let him move home, with the main stipulations of: Get your ged, drivers permit, and a job, and join some group for anger management. I see him trying. He has been fired from one job, and does depend on me to get him back and forth to his new job that is much further away than the one he had. He is registered for the GED, and will be going this weekend for his permit test.

So, I see progress. But, I also deal everyday with his attitude towards me, his anger, his aggression, every morning as I get up to take him to work, something happens, for instance this morning, I showed him the red clay mud in the entrance, and said, we HAVE to do something about your boots, before the new carpet is ruined ( we moved to a 2 bedroom apartment before christmas, so he could have a room rather than sleeping in the living room) he just began yelling at me, cursing as he walked toward the car. I turned around and told him that he could just walk to work. I let him 'calm' down for 5 minutes. Then went back out and he was gone, so I drove to pick him up ( it would have been noon before he got there) My intentions were to get him in the car, to work, then tell him he had to work on finding alternative transportation...that I wasnt going to be hollared and cussed at while driving 45 miles a day in city traffic for him.

He darted out in front of me just before I was getting to the exit from the apartment, I slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting him, he is running now like a madman, I rolled the windows down, tooted the horn, he continued to run, and darted once more in front of me, finally he walked up past the car and I told him to get in before he or I got hurt. He got in, but the anger on his face so made me have flashbacks to all the violence we had from him prior. ( he has tried to kill me, plotted, attacked, etc.)

He knows his triggers, I know where and why he does the things he does, but he is 18 1/2 now... and I am again trying to do 'all the right things'...say all the right things, hoping that I will help him be productive and get a good start in life. But I am so tired of his aggression toward me. How he talks to me. I have clearly communicated to him that its not acceptable. And now I have given him til his birthday in June to accomplish his GED and save money to get his own place/room/something....he has mentioned joining the military..

In the meantime, I have to find some peace in accepting that I am helping out a young man that loves to hate me. I know where it comes from, he does too. But he is not ready to deal with it, and frankly I am tired of dealing with it. I want him to know I dont give up on him, like his birth mom did, so it seems like, if I tell him he has to get a taxi (very expensive), he will not be able to save money, he may lose his job, then its 'my fault' for not taking him, therefore-I am the bad guy again.

I dont know how to 'win' this situation. I am very weary and concerned once again, when I saw his major dangerous outburst this morning.

Not sure what I expect if anyone responds, maybe I am just venting.

Dawn in Ga