[louise]

Josh and Kirstie came home to us, after taking a very long and convoluted journey, when they were 9 and 11. We finalized their adoption a year later, in 2000. All in all we have parented these children, on and off, since they were 6 and 8. They are now 12 and 14. We also have 3 bio children, 13, 13, 16, one DD adopted at birth and now 11 and another son placed at 6yo and now 8.

In particular, Josh and Kirstie are examples of children deemed unadoptable. They came with multiple issues and severe behaviour problems. Josh had a history of residential placement, Kirstie multiple foster placements, some good, some dreadful. They are also "in between" children, in that they are, age wise, placed between our three bio children and our youngest DD.

What makes their adoptions so successful is the fact that they function, in all areas, at a higher level than anyone ever expected. In school, socially, at home, they are participating in ways that all considered impossible. I need to be clear, they are not functioning in all areas as so called normal children, only that their functioning is tremendously improved over where they were at prior to adoption. We, as a family, still struggle at times, with issues of loyalty, trust and belonging. In essence our perception of "normal" has shifted.

Over the years we have learned to acknowledge and grieve the loss of who we were as family previous to each placement. I believe this is vitally important if a family is to move on successfully to include the new children in the now changed landscape of relationships. It is also important to include your existing children in this process. Verbalizing and discussing these feelings demystifies the resentment that can build up when everyone is expending huge amounts of energy to include the newly placed child.

One piece I have come to accept is the fact that, though our children continue to progress, the issues, in essence, remain the same. They may "water down" some, over time, however variations on the same themes continue to crop up over the years.

I cannot stress enough the importance of support in whatever fashion you can acquire it. Online, IRL, through schools, where ever you find unconditional care, hang onto it.

One of the areas I have seen parents struggle and grapple with is acceptance versus resignation. IMO, resignation is "giving up", acceptance is the abilty to receive the child and all the baggage wholeheartedly, embracing WHO that child is because and in spite of the baggage AND believing postive change can come with unconditional love, treatment, if indicated, services for sure, and a drive to expand one's horizons in parenting.

NO, this type of parenting is NOT easy, it is not an endeavour to embark on with the view to having one's adult needs met. It IS rewarding and exciting over the long haul. Joshua, at fourteen, is almost a man. He continues to work on his feelings of inadequecy and fights his inner conflicts between separation (an expected task at his age) and belonging (a task he didn't quite get the chance to complete). He is also getting As and Bs as a freshman in High School, garnered a starting position on the JV football team, is in great shape after a years long battle with his weight, is proud of his african american heritage (no small feat in a white family), volunteers some time coaching younger football players and, in general is a pretty good son and brother.

Kirstie is 12 yo and just beautiful inside and out. She stands strong and proud in her 5' 7" body, is a talented cook/chef, a caring big sister to Ben and Olivia, looks up to her 16 yo sister, Alison, is getting excellent grades in school, has many friends and the most beautiful, ready smile. Her eating disorder is resolved for now, her tendancy to dissociate has, for all intents and purposes, disappeared. She is particularly close to her dad and looks to him for advise and reassurance.

Optimism, tempered with a recognition of reality, is another piece of this puzzle called older child adoption. An ability to laugh at what looks like the outrageous, time for oneself and important adult relationships are other pieces I deem essential.

All in all, this adoption journey has enriched (and complicated!) our lives. I have no regrets.