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Relinquishing a baby
Though you have already gotten much wise advice, I would like to add my two cents worth. I relinquished a child 34 years ago and had no clue as to the realities of what living life as a birth mother would entail, nor did I know how seriously relinquishment often affects adopted children. Many of us in that era had no support or information as to the realities of adoption and its affects on adopted children and birth mothers. Like many who relinquished in that era, I know if a child or grandchild of mine were dealing with a crisis pregnancy, I would do everything is my power to educate them as to what a huge lifelong effect relinquishing a child would have on them.
Not holding or seeing her baby will not help your daughter "get over it" - she will never completely "get over" relinquishing her child. Birth mothers have been told for years they will forget and be able to go on with their lives, but, it is not remotely that simple. Relinquishing a child is a painful experience with lifelong consequences. If at all possible, let your daughter spend time with her baby after birth and then make the decision as to whether adoption is the best option. Let your daughter give birth without the pressure of adoptive parents there waiting in the wings for the baby. This is not something an adoption agency or potential adoptive parents will most likely approve of, but, your daughter and her child deserve the chance to be sure adoption is the best option. In my opinion, it is an option that most women I know who relinquished have lived to regret and only in the most extreme situations is it the best option. My opinion as I said - there are differing opinions. But, it is the opinion of most birth mothers I know and I do know many.
If indeed adoption does after careful consideration and counseling appear to be what your daughter choses, most experts do agree open adoptions are best for the children. But be aware they are not generally legally enforceable and the adoptive parents can change their minds at any point.
I am a reunited birth mother. My son found me 2 1/2 years ago and we are now reconnecting and getting to know one another. It has been 34 years now since I relinquished my son but since I bore my son's relinquishment in silence for years, I am now finally dealing with all the grief, guilt and loss that his relinguishment created. I thought I could just "go on with my life and get over it" - I was wrong. Adoption issues can be hidden and ignored for years, but, ultimately generally surface and cause excrutiating regret and pain. Even with "good" adoptions, knowing one was relinquished is often a lifelong difficult issue for many adopted people. There is so much I wish I had known ----
One last thing, I do know how hard being a young mother can be - my first child (whom I raised) was born when I was not quite 17. She is now a lovely, smart, educated mother of three and turns 40 next year. Raising her at such a young age was not easy, but, a million times easier than dealing with relinquishing a child continues to be.
Jan
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