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I am an adad of an ason we adopted just over a year ago. Our situation was a little different because we did an in family adoption and some of the family members had a difficult time with us becoming the mom and dad. The bmom treated us as the temperary parents and was upset when she heard him calling us mom and dad. She pretty much quit talking to us about 9 months ago until about a week ago, she decided that she wanted to see him the weekend before xmas. That went horrible, she brought her abusive boyfriend (she says that he does not hit her anymore, been at least a month since he has done so) and our ason wanted nothing to do with either of them (we convinced him that the visit would be fine, he would not touch or talk to him, lets just visit the bmom and that would be it). Ason sat on amoms lap almost the entire time, we will not force him to see his bmom anymore (especially if she is going to bring bfriends like this one on the visits), it will be 100% up to him when he wants to see her.If bmom is not being nice to you, you may have to do the hard thing and limit communication. You are not her punching bag for her emotions, there are a lot of people out there that she can talk to about her feelings. All you need to focus on is raising your child, around the holidays is hard on everybody especially the bfamily.
Sharon did give some good advice on sending a letter about how you feel, I agree that would be a good start. That way she knows exactly how you feel. If she does not listen to you and continues sending negative or uncomfortable letters back you can feel better about whatever decision you make because you will know that you put forth the effort to work with the bmom.
At first my family was against us adopting (we have two bio kids before the adoption) especially this child, but after a while everybody in my family told us that we did the right thing and they are glad that we did it. Some of my inlaws still don't like what we did but they do not relize that if we didn't adopt him he would have went through the system and they would have never seen him again. None of them wanted him and the bmom basically told everybody that it was not her choice to give up her kid, (she is right, social services made the choice for her). Do what your heart tells you is right, all parents make mistakes. You are going to make good and bad decisions, but remember they are your decisions, there is no handbook with all the answers, just family, friends and message boards like this one to help out.
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