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I am not in reunion with my son but I have found him.
I still feel that I can answer most of your questions even though I have yet to develop a relationship.
My feelings for my first born son are actually much stronger than the ones I have for my other children. I believe it is due to the fact that I have not been able to "shower" him with the love I hold in my heart, I am with my subsequent children daily.
I do feel responsible for my son, I worry about him constantly. The sad thing is I know I have no right to "mother" him, while I am allowed to mother my other three. I definetly go through power struggles with myself over the issue of wanting to treat him the same way...at this point why yes I do, the power struggle is its impossible for me to treat him the same way...for he has another mother and to him I am a stranger. If I were to have a reunion with my son I would be terrified of "stepping on his toes" by showing my love and my feelings to him. I am certain this would overwhelm him and I would be terrified that he would run away thinking I was trying to possess him. That would be the furthest from the truth. He may feel that I have no right to worry about him....IMO just because I lost him to adoption does not mean that I am any less a mother to him, I will forever live with the motherly instincts I feel for him, however in a reunion they would be stuffed deep down again because this would make him feel like I was trying to possess him.
I am allowed to have those motherly feelings for my other children because I am raising them. To them I am mother, to my son I am just a woman who gave birth to him...that is the sad thing about adoption.
I know I am spiritually connected with my son, he just doesnt feel that yet.The bonding that takes place in utero is never broken.
though I dont know your situation I have a feeling that your natural mother may be frightened to push you away with her motherly instincts.
Hugs
Melissa
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