[Shoshana]

What a terribly difficult thing to learn. And how misplaced your birthmother's anger is.

I'm sure it's going to take some time to come to grips with this, and like Brandy, I highly recommend findng a good therapist. Plenty of therapists will work on a sliding scale fee if you don't have insurance. I think the most important thing to look for, even more so than someone with adoption experience, is to find a person with whom you feel comfortable. The relationship itself is so important -

In the meantime, you might want to try a cognitive therapy technique to help you cope. Every time you experience a negative thought, try to substitute a positive one, or at least a neutral one. For example, "I'm was conceived through incest" - then respond "I'm a strong and beautiful person." or "This really is NOT about me - I'm separate from what happened then." or "I have friends who care for me." You get the idea. You don't even have to believe all you're saying, you just have to make it a habit to not let those negative thoughts get out of control. You can even make a list of the negative thoughts, and a list of the neutral or positive thoughts. When you feel overwhelmed, bring out your list and read the neutral/positive ones. It's not easy to change your thoughts, it takes a fair amount of self-awareness and commitment, but it works. Negative thoughts can spiral out of control and bring us to the depths of despair. And you know, one of the most effective ways of changing --emotions-- is to do this thought-substitution technique.

At this point in time, you have to fight to take care of and to protect the good and valuable person that you are. Now is the time for YOU to advocate for YOU.

Again, I'm so sorry you had this experience. If you work at it, you will be able to come to terms with it without having it cause too much trauma and upheaval in your life.

Best wishes in your journey of healing.